CelebNewsWire» Ashlee Simpson Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Slurping Up with the Kardashian

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:55:12 +0000

Kim Kardashian suckles the ’sicle. (IDLYITW)
Sofia Vergara nude pics. She used to date Tom Cruise. Hahahaha! That’s funny. (Cityrag)
Johnny Depp offers to help bail Nicolas Cage out of his money trouble. Because he’s Johnny Depp, and he’s a nice person, a good father, an excellent actor, and his breath probably smells like honeysuckle. (Celebitchy)
Harry Pothead and the Half Blood Bong: Daniel Radcliffe gets boke. (Yeeeah!)
Ashlee Simpson nude on Melrose Place. Yeah, because the CW is known for their explicit shots of taints. Riigght. Still not watching, turkeys! (Hollywood Gossip)
Stripper lady is all, “Sorry I fucked your husband and then told everybody, Fergie.” (Allie Is Wired)
8 babies aren’t the only thing Jon Gosselin can make. He can also make sex tapes, and a mean post-nasal coke drip. (The Blemish)
Lady Gaga performs “Bad Romance” on Gossip Girl. This is just like the time Whitney Houston was on Silver Spoons! (Amy Grindhouse)
Rebecca Gayheart admits she has a child in her child-killing womb. (S? O! WTF?)
Come on, don’t be a dick. Be our bud on Facebook.

Simpson Wentz Bye-Bye from Melrose

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:38:09 +0000

Getting axed from a popular and successful television show’s gotta hurt. But how about getting fired from a cruddy one? That’s like saying, “You’re really bringing down our low production values and bargain basement writing.” So it’s with a heavy heart and silent “har har” that we have to inform you that Ashlee Simpson has been shitcanned from the epic failure Melrose Place. People reports:

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is moving out of Melrose Place – the actress and her costar Colin Egglesfield have been cut from the CW drama, Entertainment Weekly reports.

In a statement released after the announcement, Simpson-Wentz said,“Having the chance to play Violet on Melrose Place has been a thrill. Although I always knew her story would come to a final, insanely unpredictable end, playing a creepy, unstable character was something I always wanted to do, so I jumped at the chance. Thanks to the CW and the entire cast and crew of Melrose Place for allowing me this opportunity.”

Ashlee looks forward to revising her role as a creepy, unstable real life character and hopes to soon return to assaulting more McDonald’s employees, chugging Goldschlager and farting out some sloppy lapdances for her husband while slurring at Michelle Tractenberg, and naming her offspring after New York boroughs.

This is the part of the post in which we ask you to follow us on Twitter.

No Flashlee for Ashlee

Agent E. — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 15:20:08 +0000

That picture over there to your left, that’s Ashlee Simpson at the launch party for her new, groundbreaking, sure to cure the world of all ills, like cankles and visible roots, show Melrose Place. Or, to put it another way, that’s Ashlee Simpson before the open bar. Sure, the girl has money (somehow), but she knows a good deal when she sees it. Whether it’s a clearance sale on wrist cuffs at Hot Topic, or free, plentiful rum and Cokes, Ashlee’s all in. What she’s not in for, though, is the public seeing her pubic. She’s learned a few things from those who have gone before her. Things like month-old wax jobs don’t make for the prettiest pictures. So just in case Ashlee wasn’t wearing undies and/or needed a new Brazilian (she probably couldn’t remember at that point), she had a helper to assist her in keeping her legs together while exiting a car. Hmmm. Is that job better or worse than the person who holds Mariah Carey’s straw while she drinks? Worse. We’re going with worse.

Since we want to be just like Ashlee (only with more crotch shots) we’re on the Twitters. Follow us, brah.

Jessica Simpson's Life More Pathetic Than We Thought

Agent E. — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:47:28 +0000

Poor, poor Jessica Simpson. Recently we were comparing her to Jennifer Aniston, but we think Jessica's situation is more dire. Jen makes millions of dollars a picture; Jessica's sad attempts at cinematic success go straight to video. Sure, they're both desperate enough to date John Mayer, but Jen is routinely linked to her hot male costars; Jess has to troll other professions in hopes that a man might love her. And to top it all off, Jessica's family keeps on saying, "Why can't you be more like your sister?" Ouch. Those family members know that Jessica's sister is Ashlee Simpson, right? There's not a secret Simpson child we haven't heard of? A successful Tulsa dentist with four kids and an impressive 401(k)? No? They mean Ashlee? People tells us how Jessica's been spending her days since getting dumped by that football beauhunk:

So far, Simpson has been coping with the split by living a low-key life and seeking solace with her parents, who "encourage her to go out and have a good time, like she did this week," says the Simpson family friend.

But when she's out in public, "she feels she's being judged by the world and opts to hide out at home," says the friend. "The family feels bad for Jessica. They worry for her a lot."

That wasn't always the case. "The family used to have such faith in [Jessica] and they worried about Ashlee," says the family friend. "Now they are fully confident in Ashlee's choices and they worry most of their days about Jessica. It seems she just can't catch a break."

Has it really come to this? Is Jessica Simpson's life so sad and pathetic that her whole family wishes she were more like Ashlee? Ashlee? Seriously? Shouldn't they maybe look outside of the family for a role model? Like, "Jessica, why can't you be more like Jennifer Garner? She seems happy"? Not, "Why can't you be more like your sister? She was smart enough to poke holes in all of Little Petey Wentz's condoms so he couldn't leave her. That's how you keep a man, dear."

Fight Over Wentz: Ashlee Simpson Is the Chump Victor

Agent E. — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 16:56:07 +0000

Generally a woman who has birthed a baby in the past year sticks to certain conventions. Wearing loose clothing to conceal the still-lingering baby weight. Carrying an overstuffed diaper bag filled with baby wipes and little baggies of Cheerios. Drinking shitloads of caffeine to ward off crushing exhaustion. But not Ashlee Simpson. Nope, when she leaves little Bronx with a nanny she gets shit faced, gives Bronx's daddy "disgusting" lap dances, and spews vitriol at anyone unfortunate enough to have touched the Wentz willy. Charming. Such an encounter occurred when Pete and Ash ran into Pete's ex Michelle Trachtenberg on Monday night. Page Six quotes an insider:

The evening started off very civilly. Pete and Ashlee had a pleasant conversation with Michelle and her boyfriend for close to 20 minutes, and even showed [Trachtenberg] some baby pictures of [Ashlee's] little boy, Bronx.

Things got out of control. An increasingly loud Simpson began to give Wentz a lap dance while staring directly at Michelle and hurling insults at her. She was grinding up on Pete like a stripper. It was actually pretty disgusting.

Things reached a climax when Simpson screamed at a confused Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!"

God, what kind of a world do we live in? A drunken near catfight over Little Petey Wentz? WTF? Drunken catfights between bimbos should be reserved for someone like George Clooney, not the puny MySpace-haired bassist of some emo-rock band. That's like if we went up to someone about to throw out an apple core and started throwing a fit. "No! That's my apple core! It only loves me. It never really loved you. It let me lick on it the whole time you were eating it. It's all mine, mine, mine, you apple-eating whore!"

P.S. You best step off, Ashlee. Georgina would totally kick your ass.

Bowery Balloo Wentz in the Works?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:43:37 +0000

God, it was gross enough when Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz reproduced the first time, does it have to happen again? We can't face more combined doucheskillet genes and embarrassing baby names. But PopCrunch says these two made another baby, with a mysterious source telling Star that Ashlee is just a few weeks along and doesn't want to tell anyone for a couple of months. However,

. . . another tabloid tattle doubts Wentz is ready to be a father once again: ìHe loves Ash and Bronx, but he also loves his freedom. He thinks a second kid could change things for the worse. He doesnít want to be tied down and stuck at home all the time.î

And Ashlee?

ì..She loves Pete and wants to hang on to him. She believes this second baby will really clinch the deal.î

Because if marriage and a baby doesn't seal the deal, just keep crapping out more until it takes. That worked out well for Jon and Kate plus 8.

Ashlee Simpson Likes Parties, Not Poopy

Agent E. — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 17:50:39 +0000

Poor little Ashlee Simpson. All she does all day is clean up poop, then clean up some more poop. But little Ashlee doesn't wanna clean up poop. Little Ashlee wanna party. Little Ashlee wanna get shitfaced and make out with strangers in dark corners of clubs like all of her friends. Poor little Ashlee. Says Page Six:

PARTY animals-turned-parents Ashlee Simpson (above) and Pete Wentz are having trouble with their new domestic lifestyle. An insider told Page Six, "Ashlee and Pete are on the rocks. He is going out all the time and she's stuck at home. It's just not working." A rep for Simpson, who's currently spending some alone time with her hubby in Australia without baby Bronx Mowgli, said, "This is not true. Everything is fine in their world."

We never thought Ashlee was the type of girl to carefully think things out. When Papa Joe said, "You should have a baby! You would get so much attention. You'd be on the cover of every magazine, and they would give you money to talk about how you got your post-baby body. And if you give it a really weird name people will never stop talking about it. It will be great!" Ashlee probably didn't think past that initial round of publicity. You know, to things like actually taking care of a child. So now she's all, "Little Petey Wentz gets to go to clubs and drink and party and hang out with cool people, and all I get to do is sit here with a stupid baby." And then Bronx is all, "Waaaaaaa!"

Oh, This Is a Swell Idea

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 17:42:35 +0000

Have you ever watched a Saturday evening syndicated double header of The O.C. and 7th Heaven and thought, "These television programs would do well in a mash-up. Only with less Jesus and more sluts"? Your wish is The CW's command. According to Entertainment Weekly:

Multiple sources confirm that singer-songwriter-sometime actress Ashlee Simpson has become the latest tenant of The CW's refurbished Melrose Place.

The onetime 7th Heaven star will play small-town girl Violet, a character whose disarming naivetÈ masks the calculating, shrewd sex kitten within. In other words, the little tramp's Sydney.

Simpson joins a cast that so far includes Katie Cassidy (as ambitious publicist Ella), Michael Rady (as aspiring filmmaker Jonah), and, if there is a God, original Melrose icon Heather Locklear, who would be slipping back into Amanda Woodward's office microminis. "Both sides are talking," whispers my Melrose mole of Locklear. "It's looking good."

Now for the big question: Did Simpson score the part that Mischa Barton had been circling? My sources tell me no. That means the ex-O.C. siren is in talks to stretch her acting chops to within an inch of their life play straight-arrow med student Lauren or revoltingly sweet schoolteacher Riley.

The 90210 remake is doing reasonably well. We had hoped this meant a development deal to produce The Heights 2009 or Models Inc. II, but no. That Cheryl Pollak/Alex DÈsert comeback vehicle will remain an unattainable dream in our minds, forever.

CNW Junk Drawer: Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes Dash of Her Board

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:51:22 +0000

ï Diamond Dash is neither the game that came preloaded on your cell phone nor the new baby of mogul Damon Dash. It's what Paris Hilton just paid $280,000 to have installed in her pink Bentley. It's the economy, sluthead! (The Blemish)

ï Holly Madison will be replacing an injured Jewel on Dancing with the Stars. Because to find someone to fill Jewel's shoes, they needed someone with similarly large chugs. (Daily Stab)

ï So maybe Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green aren't really broken up after all. Because, apparently, she's "addicted" to his ding dong. Here, have a bucket for that retching. There ya go. (Yeeeah!)

ï Ashlee Simpson brings Bronx Mowgli out into the urban jungle. Hahahaha, get it? (CelebWarship)

ï Miley Cyrus admits she underwent harrowing bullying at school. Then she came home and jumped in her swimming pool full of mink stoles and had the Hope Diamond for dinner. (Wesbster's Is My Bitch)

ï Kanye West's new ~~beard~~ girlfriend, Amber Rose, is frankly quite hot. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï James Franco got a book deal. Okay. (Celebitchy)

ï Hollywood dudes who wear too much makeup. Hahahaha! Look at you! Nice mascara, pansy! Bwahahaha! (Bitten and Bound)

ï Phil Collins has retired from music to collect artifacts from the Alamo. Because he can. (Holy Moly)

Ashlee Simpson Is a Freak in the Sheets

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:53:34 +0000

Sure, Ashlee Simpson and stubby penis-like Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz made a baby, so they've obviously had sexual intercourse, but we have a hard time picturing their coitus. We assume it involves putting on matching mud packs and painting each other's nails, reading Teen Vogue and then updating their MySpace profiles. But sex is what they have, and Pete is more than willing to talk about it. He went on Howard Stern yesterday, and E! reports its findings:

Ashlee probably didn't want him telling everyone about getting up to 150 pounds during her pregnancy, but at least he says the weight is ìblazing off herósheís a babe.î A babe with whom he has ìan amazing sex life"…and this is where he veers into serious detail overload.

Their amazing sex life is in part due to Peteís claim that ìTexas girls are fun." He spares no detail about the first time they had sexóincluding the place, the mirrors and what he was thinking: ìOh, my God, you are banging the girl of your dreams.î

"We have such a sexual chemistry,î Pete continues (and seriously never stops). ìHad we been on this show last year we'd probably be doing it in the green room."

However, now that they have a 2-week-old baby, not so much…yet. Instead, "We do other fun stuff. She's not ready down there."

Other fun facts about their sex life that we probably shouldn't knowóbut do nowóinclude the specifics of Ashleeís boobs: "She's a C, but I think with the breast milk itís a D." And that she's up for anything (really, anything): "Let's just say my wife likes me to have a good time.î

Early in the interview, he mentions that Ashlee specifically told him, "Don't say anything crummy about me.î

While it doesn't exactly translate to crummy, "fat tits and does anal" isn't really considered the height of compliments in our book. Then again, we're not from Texas and don't have pastor parents, y'all!