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CelebNewsWire is Five Years Old

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:30:44 +0000

Today, you put us in our cleanest new Garanimals, use your own saliva to scrub a Gogurt stain from our chins, and send us off to kindergarten. CelebNewsWire turns 5! It’s a special day, so let’s celebrate. By . . . writing the usual horse apples. Mazel tov, us.

Happy Holidays from CelebNewsWire

Agent E. — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:13:51 +0000

CelebNewsWire's holiday plans:

1. Decide to get in the spirit by making eggnog. Look up recipe. Realize we have no eggs, cream, or nutmeg. Say fuck it and start swigging rum.

2. Haul a big ass jar of pennies to Dollar Tree to do our Christmas shopping. There's a set of dishtowels with tabby-cat appliquÈs with Mom's name on them.

3. Fantasize about which lucky garment will win the coveted spot as Vincent Gallo's Christmas sweater this year.

4. Post what the kids like to call . . . chirps? Hoots? Oh! Tweets! Tweets, that's it. Check in with our Twitter until we return on December 29th. Tweet, tweet! Gobble, gobble!

Happy Thanksgiving from CNW

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 16:00:19 +0000

CNW will be on hiatus until Monday, when we'll be blogging from a large Tupperware container of dark meat, rubbing our lower half in gelatinized refrigerated gravy. In the meantime, there are several things you can to do tide yourself over.

1. Visit any or all of our buddies over there in our blogroll. Over there. On the right. Aren't those people nice? We're sure at least one of them is blogging because they have no family and no one to love them.

2. Check out our Twitter. We might be Twittering, depending on how much Wild Vines is flowing at the family supper.

3. We made this Blingee for you. You can look at it until Monday.

Twitter It. Just a Little Bit.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:31:27 +0000

Hey, we're on "The Twitters" now. You know, that e-thing that the kids like. Follow us! Follow us like we're Jim Jones!

Happy Fourth Birthday, CelebNewsWire

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:46:29 +0000

Bust out the finger paints and have some Nilla wafers and orange drink–CelebNewsWire turns four today! It's been a turbulent year–the time we had to go to the ER after shoving a marble up our nose, having Yeeeah.com push us down in a mud puddle outside of the nursery school, thus ruining our new white Mary Janes, struggling with our continued bedwetting problem. But we made it! We're four! And we're going to celebrate by taking all the affiliate dollars we've gotten these past four years and going out and buying something really terrific. Like a packet of shrimp Oodles of Noodles and a nice commemorative wreath from Big Lots. Why do we keep doing this? Because we love you.

Mr. Skin and CelebNewsWire Present: Get Mr. Skin FREE for a Day!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 16:59:55 +0000

We say "naked ladies", you say "how high?" That's how that joke goes, right? Yeah, anyway, you (yes! YOU! We are talking to you, person who is reading this right now!) are eligible to take advantage of a super special, super FREE offer from the good people at MrSkin.com and from us, CelebNewsWire, your favorite spot on the interlink! MrSkin.com–THE destination for celeb nudes and reviews–is offering free access to their site for today only, so that you can have a look-see at their new redesign, and eyeball some famous butts in the process. Sound good? Here's the relevant skinfo:

Between the hours of 12 P.M. and 12 A.M. CST on February 12th, 2008, click this link, right here, where you can sign up for a username and password that will allow you two blissful free hours of access to all of MrSkin.com's eye-popping new features, such as

ï Easier and more accurate search functions
ï Improved media viewing
ï Clearer, cleaner design
ï More direct access to every feature of MrSkin.com that you most want to see

Please note that the user/pass is good for two hours of free access during the above hours, so please plan your ~~furious masturbation session~~ two hours to fall at a time ~~least likely to get you fired/arrested~~ most convenient for you.

See You Suckers in '08

Agent E. — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:16:01 +0000

It's time to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus, which we will do by downing a couple of batches of heavily spiked egg nog and creating a detailed PowerPoint presentation illustrating exactly why we want to punch each family member in the face. The celebration will end with a festive bonfire of used wrapping paper and Grandma face down in the bouche de noel. We may need a full week to recover by knitting onesies for Jamie Lynn Spears and making a special "Countdown to The Hottie and the Nottie" calendar, so CelebNewsWire will return on January 2nd to show you more pictures of celebrity boobies.

Busy Giving Thanks For Xtina's Vgina

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 17:10:10 +0000

Just letting you know that we won't be around for the next two days. Why? Eh, no reason. We just kinda don't like you much. See you Monday, suckers!

CelebNewsWire: Now with Fiber Comments!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 17:28:15 +0000

A landmark event in CNW history! We now have comments enabled, just like the big boy blogs! Mommy wow, etc. So go ahead and discuss stories. Go to town. Enjoy yourselves. Let us know how you feel. Make new friends! But keep in mind: we are watching. We have terrible, terrible senses of humor, easily hurt feelings, and itchy delete button fingers, so keep yourself in line and don't post any spam, hate speech, or other such crap. And if you are the type who likes to type "FIRST!!!!!", we will not only delete that, but we'll come over to your house and set you on fire. On fire.

UPDATE: Our tech maharishi says that comments might be a little wonked up for a while. The kinks will be worked out. If something is particularly amiss/broken, email us and let us know!

CelebNewsWire Being Sent to Nice Family with a Farm for a Week

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 17:13:40 +0000

We at CelebNewsWire are committed to excellence, but even award-winning journalists like ourselves need a damn break once in a while. So after today, we'll be headed to a fat farm in Goshen, Indiana (damn those KFC Famous Bowls) for some much-needed R&R, but we'll be back on December 28th. In the meantime, please visit one of our esteemed colleages listed at right for all your holiday celebrity gossip needs, as they'll most likely be updating. Except for Drunken Stepfather–he's Canadian and we hear those savages have never learned about the magic of the birth of Christ.