CelebNewsWire» Amy Winehouse Archives – CelebNewsWire

The Jug Is Leaking

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:05:21 +0000

Last month, Amy Winehouse debuted her new breast implants by puffing out her shiny new chest and strutting around on the street like she was a male quail showing off her fine plumage to a hen. But it looks like even this improvement has literally blown up in her face because her fake boob is leaking. She was hospitalized earlier this week for a reaction to cold medicine (haw!), but, according to her helpful father:

Mitch Winehouse has rubbished claims that his daughter Amy went to hospital the other day for a cold .

Mitch said: “It wasn’t because she had a cold. She’s fine, she just had a little (pointing to his chest) leaky something or other.”

A friend of Amy’s adds: “She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible.

She’s only had those things for one month! That’s what happens when you shop the clearance rack at Crazy Eddie’s House of Titties. It’s like Loehmann’s, but with a better dressing room.

Winehouse Desires Assplants

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:58:25 +0000

We’re going to see a lot more of Amy Winehouse coming up. By that we mean that she’s planning on getting plasticine balloons shoved inside her butt cheeks, making them R. Crumb worthy. The Daily Mail reports:

Amy Winehouse spent £35,000 on a breast enlargement [and] boosted her bust from a 32B to a 32D, but she’s is now said to be hooked on surgery and planning another breast enlargement and even bum implants.

‘Amy loves her boobs,’ a source [said]. ‘She thinks by having another operation and bum implants that she will achieve her dream pin-up look.’

This is actually a good idea. That beehive is probably pretty top-heavy, and a comically huge ass will act as a sort of cantilever and anchor Amy firmly in place. Not to mention capture the fancy of Ice-T.

CNW Junk Drawer: They Tried to Make Me Go to Silicone Rehab

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:08:20 +0000

Amy Winehouse has traded needles in the arm for needles in the boobs and lips. (The Blemish)
Rachel Bilson sports Gwyneth Paltrow-style greaseball legs in Flaunt. (Yeeeah!)
James Gandolfini assaulted a paparazzo. Sadly, he later found out that the photog was not, in fact, carrying any nachos on him so it was all for naught. (Anything Hollywood)
Strap on your lucite and jump into a puddle of bronzer–it’s the Shauna Sand sex tape preview! (Nudography)
Tom isn’t the only Cruise who likes a phallic object in the mouth. (Allie Is Wired)
Kelly Brook places crumpets over her crumpets. Then we will eat dunk them in our milk. And other gross metaphors. (Mr. Skin)
Australia is pissssssed about Britney Spears lip synching. (Amy Grindhouse).
Chris Martin calls Kate Bosworth Gwyneth’s “younger version”. And then he porked her. (Celebitchy)
Sandra Bullock in custody battle for porn star’s kid. God, that sentence was awesome. (Hollywood Gossip)
Michael Lohan wants to release more Lindsay tapes. Yeah, that’ll help. (Pop on the Pop)
Stop being an asshole and be our pal on Facebook.

Well, Those Are New

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:09:54 +0000

So if you were to sit down and make out a laundry list of ways to improve Amy Winehouse, what would you include? Cortisone cream would be on there, sure. A new pair of shoes. Fresh ideas for songwriting, that’s a good one. Oh, and not smoking crack. That’d work. But of all the things Amy could do to improve her situation, she picked getting plastic crapbags crammed into her chest cavity, and after the cut, she debuts her fake rack by pulling a Tara Reid.

Earlier this month, it was rumored that Amy got fakies. We didn’t believe it at first, because throughout the impetigo and the domestic violence and the bulimia and the PCP, her boobs are the one (two?) things that have always looked pretty healthy. But her dad confirmed it, according to PopCrunch:

“I don’t know. I didn’t have to pay for it — that’s all I know,” Mitch explained. “Whenever I see her, she says, ‘Dad can you give me a couple of hundred.’ [But] I didn’t have to pay for the boobs. I don’t know.”

Well, happy Halloween, everybody. Slap two bolts on the side of those things and paint ‘em green and you’ve got a real horror fest.

All boobs, all the time. Follow us on Twitter.

CNW Junk Drawer: Up, Up and Away in My Dad’s Beautiful Mylar Stormchasing Balloon

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:43:18 +0000

Balloon Boy and his non-airborne brethren have a (c)rap video about avoiding “pussification”. Hey, they’re better than the Beastie Boys. (YouTube)
Balloon Boy also totally busted his fame-fellating parents by saying “You said we did this for the show.” Hahaha. (Celebitchy)
And after that, Balloon Boy barfed twice on live TV. The end. (Dlisted)
Amy Winehouse has allegedly been dating George Foreman’s son. Which son? We’re betting George. (our own personal gossip grillmaster Female First)
Vikki Blows has a naked 2010 calendar out. Vikki Blows. That’s a real pretty name. (Dirty Rotten Whore)
Jenna Fischer in a bikini. Pam, you little minx. (Mr. Skin)
Meghan McCain posts her big, bountiful, beautiful, amazing, gravity-defying, stupendous, gut-stabbingly, hair-chewingly, self-immolatingly enormous cleavage on Twitter; idiots cry “slut!” (Daily Stab)
Fergie will release her own vanity fragrance. It will smell like a meth lab and soiled culottes. (Faded Youth)
Halle Berry wore a very revealing dress to a fundraiser and she looks OK, we guess. If you like perfect faces and flawless bodies. Whatever. (Cityrag)
Jon and Kate Plus 8 has been canceled. Oh, God. We’re so sad. How will we ever live. Someone pass a goblet so we may fill it with tears. (Fatback)
Khloe Kardashian wants to get pregnant, but only if she can be “a skinny pregnant person”. Nothing says sexy like low birth weight and developmental disabilities! (The Blemish)
Jessica Simpson was offered a brain sandwich. She should have taken it. (Yeeeah!)
Why don’t you follow us on Twitter? Whaddaya, retahded or somethin’?

CNW Junk Drawer: Party! Pizza Party!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:32:27 +0000

We just wanted an excuse to post this Madonna picture. Thank you.
Dennis Hopper is in the hospital. Decades of drug abuse, and it’s a case of the sniffles that brings him down? (Daily Stab)
A gallery of Mariah Carey’s nipples. Better than the Guggenheim. (Cityrag)
Spencer Pratt considers cutting off his nuts. Please? (Allie Is Wired)
Serena Williams. Foul-mouthed goddess. R. Crumb dream girl come to life. (Faded Youth)
MC Amy Winehouse lays down some phat rhymes about being a Jewmaican. (OMG Blog)
Rose McGowan calls off engagement with Robert Rodriguez. But they were so . . . so . . . alliterative! (PopCrunch)
Heidi Klum has “banned her children from jumping on her pregnant stomach”. We’ll assume she’s also banned them from punching it with brass knuckles and throwing hand grenades at it. (FemaleFirst)
Mena Suvari says no more nudes, not now, not ever. Poop! (Mr. Skin)
The only person on earth as hot as Penelope Cruz? Her sister. (Yeeeah!)
Padma Lakshmi is pregnant. (US Weekly)

CNW Junk Drawer: 67 Hours of Labor

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 17:48:59 +0000

Rihanna’s bringing back the Gumby. You go, girl. (Yeeeah!)
Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes of All Time! Shut the door, turn off your phone, and dig into #40-31. (Mr Skin)
Lake Bell in a see-through bra for GQ. Who’s Lake Bell? Who cares! (The Blemish)
Michael Jackson’s doctor will most likely be charged with manslaughter. (TMZ)
Paris Hilton claims that MJ named his daughter after her. Wait a minute, Michael Jackson’s daughter is named VD Farmer? (Celebrity Milkshake)
Kelis had a baby boy after 67 hours of labor. That’s right. That’s a 6 and a 7. Not a typo. (Amy Grindhouse)
Evangeline Lilly and Dominic Monaghan: the romance of the hobbit and the hottie is back on. (Celebitchy)
A touching stroll through the halls of Celebrity Drunkface. (Cityrag)
Amy Winehouse is as innocent as the Snuggle Bear on a spring morn. Fly free, little crackie! (Bitten and Bound)

CNW Junk Drawer: Two in the Pinkett, One in the Stinkett

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:55:52 +0000

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith claim that they porked in the car on the way to the Oscars. Billy Bob/Angelina Jolie wannabes, all. (The Blemish)
Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson lesbian parody porno. 1 Night in Lilo? (Drunken Stepfather)
Crank THAT, Soulja Boy. Is that a Mr. Microphone in his drawers? Faker. (Yeeeah!)
The actual video of Michael Jackson’s hair catching on fire in 1984. Dude just keeps dancing! (Daily Stab)
Annnnnnd here are some horrifying photos of MJ’s legs in 2002 with some sort of seeping wound. They say it’s from drug use, we think it looks like a bite from a brown recluse spider. Which is funny because MJ was a white recluse. Haw! (Celebitchy)
Stop! Emmy time! Here’s the full list of nominees. (PopCrunch)
Amy Winehouse is divorced! Farewell, Blake Fielder-Civil. Go hang out with Riley Giles, Stamos Nachos and Paris Latsis. (Allie Is Wired)
Renee Zellweger set to hit the Ho-Hos for a third Bridget Jones movie. (Anything Hollywood)

Return of the 'house

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 16:49:13 +0000

Wino, precious Wino, we never knew we missed ya till ya came back. Here we have delicate blossom Amy Winehouse returning to England after a six month hiatus on the isle of St. Lucia. But it isn't all sand and sunshine. She's back in the UK to go to court and also because her songs completely suck. Tell it, The Sun:

The 25-year-old decided to return 10 days ahead of a court appearance on an assault charge. She is accused of assaulting Sherene Flash after last September's Berkeley Ball and will appear at Westminster Magistrates Court on July 23.

The troubled star is also set to go straight back to work on a new album amid reports that her record company, Island Records, have lost patience and rejected several newly penned songs.

Once there was a time when we mentioned Winehouse at least three times a week, including pictures of the singer arguing with a mailbox, a family of rabid opossums living in her hairdo. And now look at our little gal. She's fully bathed, appears to be chigger-free, and is looking kicky in the same outfit Bobbie Jo Birnbaum wore to the 7th grade dance when you groped her during Tiffany's "Could've Been". You've come a long way, baby.

Because You Care Enough to Send the Very Beast

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:42:10 +0000

These days, there's a greeting card for almost everything. Anniversaries. Bat mitzvahs. "Sorry you got laid off". Pet deaths. But the other day we were looking for a 2 dimensional paper way to tell a friend, "Buck up, that impetigo will get better once you stop smoking so much crack" and we were shit out of luck. Enter Amy Winehouse greeting cards! Our own personal gossip Hallmark shop, FemaleFirst, says:

Amy Winehouse is launching a range of greetings cards. A source told Britain's The Sun: "The first item in the Winehouse range will be wrapping paper with the chorus of 'Rehab' emblazoned all over it. The Amy-branded cards are classy too. 'You Know I'm No Good' is best for heartfelt apologies and 'Back To Black', with an appropriate wreath, will be the respectful response to a bereavement."

We're so pumped to see a cartoon Amy Winehouse on a card with Shoebox's sassiest creation, Maxine. "I love my attitude problem!!!!" Maxine will say on the front. And then you open it up and Winehouse is tending to an abscess she got from a dirty needle. Happy christening!