CelebNewsWire» Alec Baldwin Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: The Fetus Next Door

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:20:09 +0000

Kendra Wilkinson reveals EEEEEE BABY BUMMMMMP BUMP ALLLERERRRT OOOOH SQUEEEEALLLL! (Popeater)
The New York Times is all, “Sorry we said you’re a slut” to Sienna Miller. (Yeeeah!)
Rosie O’Donnell and her wife might be getting same sex divorced. (Amy Grindhouse)
Bobby Brown implies that Whitney likes crack. Not that kind of crack. The kind you find in front of a lady. (Mr. Skin)
Salma Hayek says her body sucks. Yeah. It’s really really ugly, Salma. (CeleBitchy)
Fatal Attraction plus sports equals the Brooke Hundley Steve Phillips sex scandal. (Bitten and Bound)
Dear Renee Zellweger: don’t fuck Alec Baldwin cuz you will die. Love, Celebrity News Wires. (The Blemish)
Ah. We see you’ve stolen Patrick Swayze’s DNA. Very wily, Billy Bob Thornton. (S?O!WTF?)
David Letterman might have a sex tape. Ah. Stupid human tricks. (Anything Hollywood)
Distribution of the Shauna Sand sex tape has been delayed. Shit. Now what are we going to get grandma for Hanukkah? (Nudography)
Come Facebook with us. (Our Facebook is the tits!)

Alec Baldwin Has the Right Idea

Agent E. — Tue, 19 May 2009 17:40:02 +0000

Remember when Alec Baldwin called his daughter Ireland a "rude, thoughtless little pig"? Fun times, right? Well now Ireland is thirteen, and Daddy's opinion of her hasn't grown too much. Now he thinks she should be fed to a volcano. On a recent appearance on Letterman, Baldwin joked:

I see why, in these films where they represent the Mayan culture or any tribal culture or Hawaiian culture, they always throw the teenage girl into a volcano. They always say, oh, it's their hormones, and I really don't care. They should be sent to some kind of Chinese re-education camp in the mountains for five years.

Sure, people think this is mean and insensitive and Alec should stop ragging on his daughter in public, but c'mon. Have you spent any time with thirteen-year-old girls lately? They are scarier than any mythical monster that has ever appeared in film, literature, art, tattoos, or tabloids. Right now there is thirteen-year-old girl in a Forever 21 dressing room screeching at her mom, "I want BLACK black! This is blue black! God, you are so stupid. Don't you know anything? If I show up at the dance in a blue black dress I will look JUST LIKE Stephanie and everyone will laugh at me and my life will be OVER! Is that what you want? Are you trying to ruin my life? God, why do you hate me? You are so mean. Go get me a black black one or I will never ever ever ever speak to you again. And then get me a frappy. NOW, Mother." We're thinking Baldwin was being a little conservative with that whole five-year thing. We say, ship 'em off at thirteen and they can come back when they're 27.

"You're a Rude, Thoughtless Little Pig"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 17:45:06 +0000

By now, your email-forward-happy coworker has surely sent you the link to this voice mail message featuring Alec Baldwin giving his eleven-year-old daughter, Ireland, a solid tongue-lashing. You've no doubt furrowed your brow listening to Mr. Baldwin call his only child a "rude, thoughtless pig," shouting "you have insulted me for the last time!" as if he were addressing a gentleman in a top hat who had just referred to him as a "witless cur," insulting her mother and threatening to get on a plane to "straighten [her] ass out." And you've certainly made the connection that the message was most likely leaked by the child's mother, Kim Basinger. And then you most definitely started to think about how the kid has been the center of one of Hollywood's ugliest custody battles and, being eleven, now likely realizes that she's her parents' favorite tool when it comes to pushing each other's buttons. And right about now, you're thinking "man, this sucks," and "Ireland Baldwin's tell-all is going to go down so nicely at the beach with a margarita" and "Kim Basinger is pretty."

Kim might not be a great parent, but she's got a great pair. At MrSkin.com.

Kim Basinger = Creepy Man in Trenchcoat Trying to Lure Kid into Station Wagon

Agent E. — Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:50:35 +0000

We never had any particular opinion on the union between Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. He's a funny man and we have enjoyed some of his films and 400 Saturday Night Live appearances, and she likes to take her clothes off on film. So we suppose it was a good thing (other than them naming their only daughter Ireland). But their custody battle has provided us with a few chuckles over their mutual bat shitness. Now Alec's accusing Kim of bribing Ireland with chocolate bras. Wait, that was a typo. We meant chocolate bars. A ten-year-old receiving chocolate bras from her mother would just be creepy.

Like a hotter and slightly less eccentric Willy Wonka, Basinger has allegedly been stuffing Ireland's gullet with custom-made chocolate bars that include special messages on the wrapper. But instead of a trip to the chocolate factory and the potential to turn into a blueberry, Ireland just gets more grist for her analyst. One of the not-so-Golden Tickets said, "To my daughter Ireland, who gave me the strength, courage and tenacity to stand up for myself… Mom." Baldwin claims that "the false message she continues to send our daughter is that she needs protection from her father." We think it's very sneaky of Kim to co-opt the traditional divorced-dad role of fattening up the little tyke. Everyone knows that Ireland should be spending her weeks suffering through Mom telling her to do her homework and eat her spinach and go to bed at nine so that she can visit Dad's bachelor pad–complete with leather sofa, big-screen TV, and Playboy calendar–on the weekends and party. Dad's supposed to let her stay up as late as she wants watching R-rated movies and eating nothing but cake and popcorn. If you take that away, what else does a divorced dad have that could entice the attention and adoration of a ten-year-old girl? The twenty-year-old from that National Lampoon movie who's trying to play new mommy by buying her mini skirts and Fabulash?

Hot mama Kim is at MrSkin.com.

And hairy papa Alec is at MaleStars.com.

Basinger & Baldwin's Bitter Baby Battle. Boo-Hoo.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 17:50:31 +0000

The custody battle over Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger's child is growing more acrimonious by the day. He says their battle is like cancer, and she's a "child-snatcher". She says that he's really really really really really really hairy. OK, she didn't really say that, but we were all thinking it. Admit it.

The divorced pair are set to duke it out in court today over their young daughter, Ireland. And man oh man alive, do these two people hate each other or what? Earlier this week, Baldwin called his ex a "child-snatcher" after she refused to let Ireland enjoy a scheduled visiting day with him. In a huff, he called the police and filed papers in hopes of being granted more custody rights, claiming, "I believe the child lives in a constant state of tension wherein she must never display or divulge her true feelings for her father because of the mother's all-consuming and bitter feelings toward me." He can't even call Kim by name! Oh, the seething! The tension! Fortunately for everyone, there are level-headed African-American women out there roaming the streets, acting as vigilantes and dousing Baldwin's hate-flames. He said,

"But I'm keeping things in perspective. Not letting it consume me and eat me up with anger as it used to. I stopped that when one late night I was on the street so unhappy and filled with rage that, in a fit, I smashed my phone against a lamppost. A black lady walking by said to me, 'Alec Baldwin, you got to get hold of yourself.' So I have."

However, Attorney Harvey Levin of the website TMZ.com has seen the legal papers and says,

"This is how bad things have gotten. Alex has Kim trying to block him from flying with her daughter Ireland because Kim says she was better able to protect her from terrorists at the airport. There is an endless list of bribes. Alex graduated from NYU, but he says Kim thinks he's not capable of helping Ireland with her fourth grade homework."

We have a simple solution to this problem, and its name is Angelina Jolie. Seriously, she says she's in the market to adopt another baby. Oh, don't look at us like that; the kid's name is Ireland. She's totally multicultural!

Child-snatching Kim is naked at MrSkin.com.

And Alec's intense chest hair can be found at MaleStars.com.