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January 22, 2008 at 10:52AM

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Two Hiltons and a Wall-humping Eggert: The Less Cinematic Side of Sundance

paris and nicky hilton fondle in limo.jpg

You might think a film festival is somewhere that people go in order to watch movies, but you'd be wrong. God, you're such a fucking moron, aren't you? People go to film festivals to get free shit they could easily afford and party-as-a-verb. At least if your last name is Hilton, anyway. Page Six brings us the haps on Sundance, and Mr. Skin brings us the funbags on film, after the cut.

Sayeth Page Six:

Nicky Hilton, her boyfriend, David Katzenberg and their entourage hit Club Stereo, which took over Doolin's bar on Main Street, for the Anamigo party on Friday. Katzenberg stood in a corner at the club pulling down his belted jeans and taking pictures of his private parts bulging through his gray boxer briefs, while Nicky giggled next to him.

Late night after-parties at the 5W Escape House hosted by Butter drew boldfaces until the sun came up. Nicole Eggert of the 1980s TV series "Charles in Charge" got so wasted, she couldn't walk in the wee hours Saturday. She was grinding and dirty dancing other partygoers - and a wall - to music by DJ AM, until bouncers escorted her out by both arms. "The next day she told me she was so embarrassed," said one guest.

But Eggert returned to the house Saturday and danced up a storm again, along with Mary-Kate Olsen and Eliza Dushku while Steve Aoki DJ'd in the kitchen. Kim Kardashian and boyfriend Reggie Bush made out downstairs in the Lifestyle Condoms photo booth while they posed for pictures.

Paris Hilton, who bothered Jared Leto at Village at the Yard for the Cuervo Platino-hosted Camp Freddy concert, later attacked him next door at club Hyde, where she gave him lap dances and kissed him, said a spy. Meanwhile, when a joker tried to lob a snowball at the celebutard outside the Turning Leaf Lounge where she was hosting a private dinner, her bodyguard leaped in and took it in the head.

We thought that Nicole Eggert humping a wall sounded kind of strange, but then we remembered her Corey Haim sex scene in Blown Away, where they hump against a wall, and we realized that it's just Nicole's sad attempt to recapture her career peak. Which occurred while fake fucking Corey Haim. It's got to be hard to look in that mirror every morning.

And about Paris and Jared, witness the greasy groping:

paris hilton and jared leto make out.jpg

And aside from getting a little Catalano in her cat hole, Paris scored in less invasive ways. MSNBC claims:

At the Kenneth Cole Reaction lounge, Hilton picked an iPhone (photos indicate she had one in June — perhaps she misplaced it?), an Xbox 360 and various pet accessories from animigo.com.

It's OK. Don't be upset. We don't like to see you cry. Just go spend that iPhone fund you've been working on since last summer on hookers. We won't tell anyone.

And in the off chance that any of you care about hot naked ladies, we've got a bit of reportage on the actual MOVIES, though not much has come in yet in the stripped starlets on celluloid department (other than Mischa Barton's topless scene). The highlights include a probably body doubled ass from Zoe Kravitz in Birds in America. Yes, that Zoe Kravitz. But don't be alarmed, she's nineteen. And yes, you are that old. Also throwing in some funbags are The Departed star Vera Farmiga in Quid Pro Quo and 300 star Lena Headey in The Broken. We know it's not much yet, but who knows. Maybe the Hiltons are actually in Park City for a purpose, like debuting the documentary they made about their last all-nude family reunion. Watch out for Grandpa Conrad; we hear he's a schlong swinger.