Hey, all you Hannah Montana fans! We hope you had totally rockin' holidays and are having fun sleeping on your new Miley Cyrus bedsheets and getting rid of those icky pimples with your Miley Cyrus facial cleanser and finally convinced your dad that his Land Rover would run so much better with a Miley Cyrus brand carburetor under the hood. But we've got a little public service announcement, because above all else, we really care about your safety (because dead tweens can't spend their parents' money at the Disney store). You might not know who he is, because you will never hear "Sex in the Kitchen" on Radio Disney, but R&B singer R. Kelly has finalized his divorce to his wife of eleven years. That brave woman may have kept R. off the streets for over a decade, but now that he's on the loose, there's no telling what dangers you as young women may face. So please, make sure your middle school principal locks the doors tight, and if a corn-rowed man approaches you wanting to engage in some "Real Talk", run.
P.S. In case you're keeping count, today's tally for CNW subjects famous for pee-related antics is three out of five. And that Martha Stewart, you never know what she's into.
P.P.S. This shit is frightening.
