"Pee-pee on Daddy's Back!"

Being the offspring of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones has got to be rough. First Daddy looks like the psychotic version of David Crosby, but without the mellowing effects of weed. Then there's the inevitable blow-up when you misstate Mommy's age to one of your playground friends. "Do you think Mommy's some kind of monster? I'm thirty-five." "But, Mommy, you were thirty-five two years ago." "I don't care. I'm THIRTY-FIVE. And when you ask again in two years I will still be THIRTY-FIVE!" Compared to that trauma, Daddy asking you to pee on him is probably the equivalent of a non-famous child getting a special pony ride.

In the same way that you bragged to Joe and Phil and the guys at the pub about that "hot piece of tail" you banged on your last vacation in Cabo (really you were in Boca Raton playing shuffleboard with your nanna and her friend Marge), so too does Michael Douglas enjoy sharing tales of his family beach excursions. Thus spake Gordon Gekko:

I took my kids down to the ocean the other day and we had a little problem - we have jellyfish. I got stung actually pretty bad, across my back just last week. There's sort of a remedy that we've all heard...urine. It's the remedy if you have a bad sting.
So I asked my five-year-old son if he would pee-pee on my back. He looked at me like he'd gone to heaven. He was like 'This is what I call a good summer holiday! Pee-pee on daddy's back!' I don't know if it helped at all, but my son was happy. We'll work it out in 20 years (when he's in therapy)!

In twenty years Douglas will be well over eighty years old. We think Michael just revealed the best part about having children so late in life: You can make them do just about anything in their formative years knowing that when they're old enough to process just how fucked up it was that Daddy made them wax his testicles you'll be stowed away in an old-folks home eating pureed peas and saying "Hunh, hunh?"