Paris Won't Poop OR Appeal

This weekend, Paris Hilton issued a statement saying that she would not appeal being sent back to jail. Furthermore, in a completely unsubstantiated yet hilarious story, she is reportedly refusing to eat or drink because she's terrified that prison guards will take pictures of her sitting on the can. God, wouldn't that be horrible? A picture of Paris Hilton sitting on a toilet. How humiliating! It's a good thing she's taking steps to ensure that will never, ever happen. Can you imagine the furor, the uproar that would ensue if a picture of Paris–Paris Hilton–sitting on a toilet ever got out? (Eyes slide slowly to the left)

We are reminded of the moving words of the Dead Milkmen: "I don't piss/I don't shit/I'm getting no relief" here. Our gossip sherpa, FemaleFirst, are the big brains behind the toilet tale. They report:

The hotel heiress – who was sent back to prison on Friday (08.06.07) after she was briefly released and put on house arrest for "medical reasons" – has stopped consuming any solids or liquids because she fears opportunist prison officers will take pictures of her relieving herself.

A source said: "At first she didn't eat or drink anything because she didn't want to have to use the toilet.

"She cried constantly which didn't help the dehydration."

You call it "toilet picture fears", we call it "typical Hollywood diet #6". Tomato, tomahto.

In related news, don't expect a repeat of the catch and release and recatch song-and-dance of this past week–Paris plans to stay put in jail. Here's her official statement:

"Today I told my attorneys not to appeal the judge's decision. While I greatly appreciate the Sheriff's concern for my health and welfare, after meeting with doctors I intend to serve my time as ordered by the judge.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter, but important lesson from this experience.

As I have said before, I hope others will learn from my mistake. I have also had time to read the mail from my fans. I very much appreciate all of their good wishes and hope they will keep their letters coming.

I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials. I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world."

Seeing how Paris can barely string a complete sentence together without using the word "hott" or various sundry racial slurs, we're gonna bet she didn't write this. Luckily she has Statementbot 6000, a friendly, bespectacled robot up on world events, into whom she fed her original statement–"JAIL BAD!"–for translation into this eloquent, patriotic version. Similarly, this blog entry you're reading right now read "paris is so stupid!1!!!!!! she is ugly! hahaha she don't crap in jale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" before this translation. Thanks, Statementbot 6000!

Pray for Paris. She's naked at MrSkin.com.