Sore-Riddled Vagina Seeks Spotty Pussy

Paris Hilton is a latter-day Michael Jackson, not only in the sense that she likes to have sexual intercourse with males, but that she enjoys collecting animals that she parades in front of cameras before they mysteriously disappear. Paris wants to give a friend to Tinkerbell the chihuahua, Cinderella the Yorkie, and Baby Luv the bloodthirsty kinkajou: a cheetah! The dashing Ben Widdicombe tossed his forelock and reported in NYDN that on a recent trip to Africa with boyfriend Benji Madden:

A hotel spy tells us: "Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"

Paris is like the Veruca Salt of the celebrity world–she sees a cute, exotic creature and wishes to possess it, stomping her feet and singing a bouncy song about wanting it now. Next thing you know she'll want an Oompa Lo–OH WAIT THAT ALREADY HAPPENED.

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