Paris Hilton Sez: "Save the Drunken Elephants!"

OK, so you know how jail was supposed to have changed Paris Hilton and she was going to, like, cure AIDS with her vagina fluids or adopt a pack of orphaned penguins and keep them in her guest bathroom or something? But then instead she left the clink and refused to talk about ever having been in jail and kept on dancing on tables at Hyde and getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to make appearances at, like, the launch of a line of baby makeup? Well, now she's seen the error in her selfish ways and is looking to give something back to the world. And we're not talking about herpes. She's going to save the drunken elephants! The UK's Daily Star reports:

IF you’ve been worrying about binge-drinking elephants, just relax – Paris Hilton is coming to the rescue.

The Dr Dolittle of Hollywood is used to seeing her boozy mates in and out of rehab.

But Paris, 26, is now turning her attention to India, where grey trunks have developed a fondness for ale.

The big-eared boozers have become addicted to rice beer, which is brewed by locals in north-east India.

And party monster Paris was horrified to hear that 40 squiffy elephants fought with an electric pole in the West Garo Hills district last week, which instantly electrocuted six of the blotto beasts.

So the hotel heiress is launching a campaign to encourage locals to hide their vats of home-made brew from the grey inebriates, who have started to search for the free alcohol for their benders. Of last week’s jumbo deaths, Paris said: “There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn’t chased them away.

“And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad. The biggest problems are in Assam and Meghalaya. The elephants get drunk all the time.

“It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.”

Assam elephant expert Kushal Konwar Sharma added: “More than 200 elephants have been killed by angry villagers during the last six years in the two states in what is developing into a fierce conflict between man and drunken beast.”

And convicted drink driver Paris continued: “In Tinsukia, the elephants smashed huts, plundered granaries and broke open casks to drink rice beer. The herd then went berserk, and killed people.

“Now they’re learning to be sly about their problems.”

We're sure Paris will abandon this cause once she finds out that she can't carry a pet elephant around in her purse. But actually we're just going to be upfront and say that we don't buy this story AT ALL. We just couldn't resist talking about Paris trying to save drunken elephants (other than Britney Spears--Oooh! Burn!). But we really really wish this story were true and had audio proof to back it up. We would love to hear Paris try to sound out the words Meghalaya, Tinsukia, and granaries. Actually, that gives us an idea for a writer's strike-friendly reality show: Give Paris Hilton a dictionary and make her try to pronounce any word over eight letters. Hilarity will definitely ensue. It'll be bigger than Dancing with the Stars. Or at least bigger than that show that's like American Idol but with crappy Linkin Park-inspired bands.



See Paris's chest elephants at MrSkin.com.