Paris Hilton Restrained . . . By Herpes!

At first we skipped over the story regarding the conditions of the restraining order against Paris Hilton. We just weren't that shocked that someone would go to such lengths to avoid ever being in the same room as anyone who says "That's hot" eighty times an hour. But then one word jumped out at us as if it were in solid gold type studded with hot pink diamonds: herpes.

So event planner Brian Quintana sought and won a restraining order against Paris Hilton. About this we really don't care. It's Quintana's testimony that interests us. We're not sure if this testimony is newly revealed or if we were just in the middle of a really bad methadone withdrawal when it was given, but E! reports:

Quintana testified last month that his relationship with Hilton turned nasty after she overheard him informing her beau, Stavros Niarchos, that she might have a sexually transmitted disease.
"I wanted him to be aware of it--that she had herpes. To make sure he didn't catch anything. He informed me that he was [aware]," Quintana said.
He said Hilton interrupted his conversation with Niarchos and became "furious."
"She said, 'This is between the three of us; if this gets out you're a fucking dead man,'" Quintana said. He claimed that after the exchange, he began receiving suspicious phone calls and started to believe his life was in "imminent danger."
Quintana further alleged Hilton "has a drug and alcohol problem, some rather shady associates and is known for erratic behavior."
Hilton spokesman Elliot Mintz denied Quintana's allegations, telling Court TV: "She doesn't have herpes. She doesn't have a drug problem," and claiming Quintana was simply trying to humiliate his client in order to gain media attention.

We're not really surprised by any of Quintana's claims, but what does come as a bit of a shock to us is the idea that Paris Hilton just might be L.A.'s version of Tony Soprano: a heathenous pleasure-seeker who destroys all detractors and pithy annoyances, someone who employs gargantuan marbled-mouthed men to do her dirty work. The only difference is that while Tony hangs out at the Bada Bing and watches topless women dance onstage, Paris hangs out at Privilege and does the dancing herself--while only nearly topless.
Stamos Nachos. There. We couldn't end without saying that just once. Or twice. Stamos Nachos.
Of course Paris is naked at MrSkin.com.