Paris Hilton: Loved by Walls, Hated by Neighbors

We here at CelebNewsWire make it a priority to know our readers. For instance, we know that you like boobies. Big ones, little ones, symmetrical ones, deformed ones. You like them fully exposed, partially exposed, slipping out of a too loose top, glimpsed beneath semi-sheer gowns. Because of our vast knowledge of our readership, we can also tell exactly what you are doing at this very second. You are biting into an apple cruller, thinking about dunking it into your lukewarm and too bitter coffee, and contemplating the existence of Paris Hilton, how she spends her days in jail, her feelings for her family, what her home life will be like once she's released from that state correctional facility. And now you're staring in awe at your computer screen thinking, "Holy shit, they can see me. The bastards are watching me; and they know I have fake Dakota Fanning porn on my computer!" And now you are using your keyboard to smash your monitor and preparing to run like hell. Yeah, we know you.

New York Daily News reports on Paris's neighbors, who are not going to be bringing her "welcome home" snickerdoodles when she leaves the poky:

Paris Hilton is set for a warm welcome when she gets out of jail next week, of the flaming-torch-and-pitchfork variety.

Neighbors are peeved at the heiress for turning their street into a media circus.

A spokeswoman for L.A. City Councilman Jack Weiss told us yesterday that his office had received more than 50 complaints from residents during her brief respite from captivity.

"Most concerned noise from the five helicopters that handled the live coverage of her one day at home," said the rep. "Other issues involved overcrowding and space issues, because the street is very narrow, doesn't have sidewalks and has no parking."

The LAPD, Department of Transportation and Department of Street Services are bracing for her expected return next week. "There are no plans to force her out of her home," says the spokeswoman, "but action is being taken to minimize the annoyance of other occupants."

And we thought the biggest danger of being Paris's neighbor was traces of Valtrex in the ground water, not the noise.

And how is she occupying herself while she's still behind bars? Oh, you know, just hangin', doin' nothin'. TMZ reports:

Kathy and Rick Hilton called in last night to FOX News' "On the Record" with Greta Van Susteren, and Mama Hilton said that when she asks Paris what she's doing during the days, Paris tells her, "I look at the ceiling. I look at the walls." And when she tried to put up some family pictures, "the guard came in and ripped them off."

You may think that Paris doing nothing but staring at the ceiling and walls all day is a sign of her boredom, but we know that she's finally found friends who find her to be a witty conversationalist.

Paris breaks free of her cell–and her clothes–at MrSkin.com.