Paris Entombs Her Goat, Gets Bitten by Her Monkey

Next time you're hanging out with Grandpa Lou and he follows up the always-original pull-my-finger gag with "A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar," you can use real celebrity life for your own witty rejoinder. Look to the gossip gods for inspiration and you'll be gifted with a timeless joke that begins "Paris Hilton, a goat, and a kinkajou monkey walk into a cemetery . . . "

Before spending her evenings flashing her pet beaver all over L.A., Paris spends her days doting on her less-financially-viable animal friends. Gossip pimp FemaleFirst reports:

Paris Hilton has bought the plot next to Marilyn Monroe's grave to bury her pet goat.
The 25-year-old has reportedly booked a plot in Hollywood's Pierce Bros Westwood Village Memorial Park next to her screen idol.
It is also alleged that she has booked a gospel choir to perform at a private funeral at Los Angeles' International Church of Christ.
A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "It's absolutely disgusting. Paris booked the plot for a 'Billy Hilton'.
"Everybody was very understanding because they presumed it was one of her relatives.
"But it has transpired that it's just an old goat. Normal people are content to bury their pets in the garden and be done with it. But not Paris.
"This is one of the most prestigious cemeteries in the world, it's not for animals.
"It should be reserved for superstars."
Hollywood legends Truman Capote, Dean Martin and Jack Lemmon are also buried in the cemetery.

Amazingly this is not the extraordinary part of the story. After hearing that Billy is indeed Paris's favored weird-ass-animal-companion, kinkajou monkey Baby Luv (whom we hear harbors a mad dead-lady crush on Marilyn) lost his shit and decided to make a snack out of Paris. Paris stalkers TMZ say:

Paris Hilton's pet kinkajou, Baby Luv, bit Paris on the arm early Tuesday morning while the two were playing. We repeat: PARIS' KINKAJOU BIT HER ON THE ARM.
The wound was superficial and Paris spent a few hours at the hospital and received a tetanus shot.
Paris called her publicist, Elliot Mintz, at about 3AM Tuesday morning after the incident occurred. Mintz tells TMZ he drove her to the emergency room where she was seen by a doctor, treated and released. The whole ordeal took just a few hours.
In an odd bit of foreshadowing, an MTV special focused on Paris -- that aired the same day of the incident -- actually featured Baby Luv in a segment, during which the animal tried to bite her.

Two monkey-chomping incidents closely spaced may seem like merely a coincidence (perhaps Baby Luv was in a wicked bad mood after a nasty herpes flare-up) but we implore you to follow Rufus into the time-traveling phone booth and head back to November 2005 to revisit a little monkey-scratching action Paris received in the infancy of Baby Luv's Hilton overseen imprisonment. We've come up with two explanations for the monkey's desperate desire to flee from Paris's care: 1) Paris insists on treating Baby Luv like a real human baby, feeding him nothing but her own breast milk and forcing him to wear a diaper, or 2) Baby Luv is allergic to the heady smell of skank and is just trying to escape to save his own life.
Paris displays all of her pets at MrSkin.com.