Paper magazine knows that they f'ed up. They scored Lindsay Lohan for their cover, which they were probably pretty stoked about, and they got her to pose as if she'd just spent three days rolling around on a shag carpet with a steady stream of suitors. Pretty cool, right? Well, not when in the same month Lindsay is in another magazine really, really naked, proving that the booger sugar may have added about 20 years to her face, but her knockers are still pretty damn spectacular. Oops. So what's Paper to do? Name the "10 Worst Nude Film Scenes" and hope that people pay attention. Which is kind of an iffy prospect, as they're mostly talking about pale, flabby man ass here, and most people who are interested in celebrity nudity can just check that shit out in the mirror every day. Page Six reports:
PHILIP Seymour Hoffman's ample butt just won a dubious award – as star of one of the "10 Worst Nude Film Scenes" of all time. Paper magazine's Dennis Dermody, who compiled the list, says ever since Hoffman lay naked with Marisa Tomei in "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead," the image of "his big, bare flabby ass [is] branded on my brain." Pat rick Dempsey is feted for his full-frontal turn in "Some Girls," which "won't make you think McDreamy, but rather McTeeny." Fox NFL Sunday co-host Terry Bradshaw gets a nod for a "frightening" scene in which he feeds his aquarium fish while buck-naked and listening to hip-hop in "Failure To Launch." Donald Sutherland can take a bow for letting it all hang out as a test pilot undergoing a physical in "Space Cowboys," proving he has "the Wrong Stuff," Dermody says. Kathy Bates gets a tip of the hat for "At Play in the Fields of the Lord," in which she "covers her body with mud and runs around the jungle." And Julie Andrews isn't forgotten for whipping off her top in "S.O.B."
Did Dennis Dermody's younger sister watch The Sound of Music five times a day for their entire childhood or something? Cause we can't figure out how in the hell the scene from S.O.B. could be the worst of anything unless it brought back some serious childhood trauma. It's got Julie Andrews pulling off her top onstage like some sort of 1980s Janet Jackson, a shocked and excited Richard Mulligan, throngs of cheering stagehands, and Hot Lips Houlihan falling on her face. Awesome! We can't wait to see the rest of the list. Do they include Angelina Jolie in Gia? The shower scene in Porky's?
And for those of you who are terrified of the aforementioned pale, flabby man ass, rest assured that Philip Seymour Hoffman isn't the only nudie in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead; Marisa Tomei also shows her Tomei-toes, and they're so juicy and appetizing that Mr. Skin declared it the Best Nude Scene of 2007. So if those Paper lads were alert enough to even notice PSH's presence in the scene, we think they were focusing on the wrong half of the screen.
Ignore Philip Seymore Hoffman's butt and peer at Marisa Tomei's bazooms at MrSkin.com.
And judge that S.O.B. scene for yourself.
And if you've still got time, Kathy Bates all covered in mud can be had as well.
One Comment
What a dipshit. Andrew's in SOB was the culminating event for perverts of my generation, joining Angie Dickinson's incredible performance in Big Bad Mama (hot enough to avoiding permanent scars from a naked Shatner) and Lynda Carter's eye-popping turn in Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw. Wonder Woman indeed. Perhaps the only woman that could have topped this was Barbara Eden.
While SOB previewed the talents of Rosanna Arquette, even the few seconds of Maria von Trapp naked – and actually acknowledging her sexuality ("I've got boobie!' – or something like that), was stunning, and may be the nascent start of the MILF phenomenon. Plus, they were lovely boobies.
I'm trying to figure out an equivalent experience for ensuing generations, but I'm at a loss.