Paltrow Pops Moses Martin

Here we've been watching Katie Holmes through our gossip telescope waiting for her to deflate the pillow under her shirt and magically turn it into a real live baby (Scientology makes you magic, people), and we were so distracted that we totally forgot that Gwyneth Paltrow even existed, let alone that she was carrying a spawn of her own. Now Gwyneth has produced (Ha! Produce! Apple!) another tiny human, proving once and for all the old hypothesis that incubating a Martin takes about four months, while incubating a Cruise takes roughly three and a half years. (We learned that one in chemistry class right after memorizing the periodic table.)

And since all you greedy little people care about is what name the innocent little fawn will be answering to when his nanny calls, we'll get right down to it: Moses Martin. According to E! Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their son Moses. What can we say about that? At least it's better than Mortimer, which they were said to be considering? Later in life the kid could shorten his name to Mo and lead a relatively non-fucked-up life, unlike his sister, who has no recourse? We think it's kind of cruel to give a kid a name he can't possibly live up to. When Moses is six and steals a pack of candy cigarettes from the Circle K, breaking his first commandment, his parents' love for him will likely die forever. And when Moses is fifteen and enters his first regatta, Mom will probably say, "Gee, Moses, that was some good sailing you did there, but we were really hoping that you would part the water and lead the other boats to the finish line in safety." At least all Apple has to do to win her parents' affection is look all shiny and red and delicious.
Check out Gwynnie's apples at MrSkin.com.