If you missed the Oscars last night, you missed one razzly, dazzly gay ole time! Hugh Jackman sang about being Wolverine, Beyonce was extra juicy, the cameramen attempted to create faux tension between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, the obligatory Joaquin Phoenix joke, and of course, spectacular Oscar fashion. At least we think there were probably some lovely fashions there. We were blind to everything else once Sophia Loren hit the stage with her Miss Havisham choker, Divine brow lift, and terra cotta colored Jackie Collins wig. Oh, to motorboat that liver-spotted cleavage. See a full list of winners after the cut. Or, if all you want to do is laugh at celebrities in weird outfits, we take care of that part, too.
WINNAHS!
Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role – Penelope Cruz (Vicky Cristina Barcelona)
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen – Dustin Lance Black (Milk)
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published – Simon Beaufoy (Slumdog Millionaire)
Best Animated Feature Film – Wall-e
Best Animated Short Film – La Maison en Petit Cubes
Achievement in Art Direction – Donald Graham Burt and Victor J. Zolfo (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
Achievement in Costume Design – Michael O'Connor (The Duchess)
Achievement in Makeup – Greg Cannom (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Achievement in Cinematography – Anthony Dod Mantle (Slumdog Millionaire)
Best Live Action Short Film – Jochen Alexander Freydank Spielzeugland (Toyland)
Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role – Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight)
Best Documentary Feature – James Marsh, Simon Chinn (Man on Wire)
Best Documentary Short Subject – Megan Mylan (Smile Pinki)
Achievement in Visual Effects – Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton, Craig Barron (Visual Effects)
Achievement in Sound editing – Richard King (The Dark Knight)
Achievement in Sound Mixing – Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke, Resul Pookutty (Slumdog Millionaire)
Achievement in Film Editing – Chris Dickens (Slumdog Millionaire)
Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award – Jerry Lewis
Achievement In Music Written For Motion Pictures (Original Score) – A.R. Rahman (Slumdog Millionaire)
Achievement In Music Written For Motion Pictures (Original Song) – A.R. Rahman, Gulzar for Jai Ho (Slumdog Millionaire)
Best Foreign Language Film – Departures (Japan)
Achievement in Directing – Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire)
Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role – Kate Winslet (The Reader)
Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role – Sean Penn (Milk)
Best Picture – Slumdog Millionaire
Arguably the weirdest parts of the night were the presentations of acting awards, when past winners took the stage to stare deeply into the eyes of their assigned nominee and swing from their nuts. "Sean Penn. You are an actor. And a wonderful man. You have excellent oral hygiene and you can make a decent omelet. When you wrap gifts, you fold over the edges so the receiver doesn't get a paper cut. Sean Penn, you are nice."
