One Knocked-up Knowles, One Bleached Baby Knowles

Today you get twice the Knowles family baby talk for your booty-shaking buck. First up, Beyonce may be carrying the Lil Romeo-esque spawn of Jay-Z. And as a bonus, forgotten non-gold-record-making younger sister Solange has been accused of bleaching her clubfooted baby. That's right: bleaching her clubfooted baby. We've got your attention now.

Because Beyonce is hotter and has a nicer ass and is way more famous than her poor lil sis, we'll start with her. She's been spied recently with a rounded tum tum, or a "bump" as they like to say in Star, and rather than assume that she ate a few too many fried shrimps and onion rings, those catty bitches at FemaleFirst assume that she must have a little rumptastic munchkin stowed away in her lady parts. This follows rumors that Beyonce and Jay-Z are secretly married, a la Janet Jackson and Rene Elizondo. But after Beyonce witnessed her sister Solange give birth, she concluded that shit was gross and said, "I ain't having no baby!" Perhaps, also like Janet, Beyonce will disappear for about nine months and we'll hear about the secret baby in eighteen years, soon after Beyonce is caught on tape playing "Crazy in Love" on her ass.
But on to the bleached, clubfooted baby. Knowles family matriarch Tina is trying to track down the source of the hurtful yet hi-larious rumor about Solange's one-year-old son, Daniel. Tina sez, "It was on the Internet that my grandchild had a clubfoot and my daughter Solange put him in a bariatric chamber to bleach him. I was furious because my child was crying." What is with this family, anyway? Is there any lesson they didn't learn from a member of the Jackson clan? Making memorable videos with werewolves and crotch-grabbing, writing songs like "Billie Jean", posing for magazine covers with some dude's hands covering your breasts–these are all good things to take away from the Jackson family legacy. But secret marriages and offspring and bleaching skin for that fashionable barber-pole look, these are not things to be duplicated. We just hope that once Jay-Z becomes an honorary Knowles he won't take to inviting Culkins into his bedroom and serving them Jesus Juice.

Beyonce's non-rounded tum at MrSkin.com.