Oh, Screech, Oh, Oh, Ohhhhhh!

As the celebrity-sex-tape market gets glutted, our sensitivities become numb. Scott Stapp and Kid Rock getting blown by groupies while bro-ing down backstage? Eh, kind of gross. O.J. Simpson getting nasty on tape and letting his conquest get away alive? Mildly shocking. But not since we were subjected to Chyna's engorged clitoris/teeny teeny weenis have we been so frightened by the prospect of seeing a "celebrity" getting their nuts toasted on camera. And just why are we so frightened, you ask? Because of these five words: Dustin Diamond, threeway, dirty sanchez.

We now turn to your experts in stars screwing on celluloid, The New York Daily News. Take it away Rush and Molloy:

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.
We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."
Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.
"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."
Schmidt is in L.A., shopping the tape to Hustler's Larry Flynt, Vivid's Steven Hirsch and other major distributors of adult video.

Let's hope that Dustin hasn't taken a page from the Colin Farrell playbook: Brag about how absolutely elephantine your dong is, get people talking and wondering, then let people see it in action . . . only to be massively disappointed. Because really that ten-incher is just about the only thing Dustin's got going for him. Oh, and we saved that best part for last: "The sex vid's working title is 'Saved by the Smell.'" We bet you're rethinking the genius of that scratch-n-sniff TV you were so keen on in the third grade.