Natalie Portman Nudes Will Plump Your Pork, Man

Imagine waking up in the morning, padding downstairs to make your Sanka, and being met by the Easter Bunny–all six fluffy feet of him–bearing a basket full of Bentleys and conflict-free diamonds and Superman #2 and world peace and the vagina of your choice and whatever else it is you dorks love. As a wise man called Sierra Mist says, "Yeah. It's kinda like that." The speculation and anticipation is over, and nudes of Natalie "Niptease" Portman in Hotel Chevalier are here, they're real, and they are spectacular. No more coyness. No more games. No more Natalie playing the Lucy to your Charlie Brown, whipping away the football of her naked, nubile form at the last minute. This is no stunt butt. This is the real McCoy! We are through the looking glass, people!

Man. Jason Schwartzman sure is short.