It looks like all those Save Katie T-shirts and the candlelight vigil we held outside the Scientology Celebrity Centre have worked. Katie Holmes is finally free to ruin her career the old-fashioned way–with starring roles in Rob Schneider films. Katie will be able to forget about those nasty thetans that have been giving her nightmares and teach her baby about such American things as Jesus and Zoloft. Wait, what's that you say? Tom and Katie aren't really breaking up? All hope is lost? Damn you, L. Ron, and your magnetic charisma. Can't you let us reclaim just one of our formerly balanced and non-frightening stars?
A report in Life & Style yesterday claimed that the happiest couple in America would soon be no more.
Life & Style has learned exclusively that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed to call off their wedding ó and, ultimately, to split.
Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tomís saying: ìTheir relationship is basically over.î Another friend adds: ìThey both agreed that the marriage wouldnít work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.î
The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their babyís birth this spring. In the meantime, the couple will live in his Beverly Hills home ó though sleeping in separate bedrooms ó through the summer. Then, presumably, theyíll announce a separation ó but Tom plans to buy Katie a home nearby so he can visit his child whenever he wishes.
ìTheyíll share custody,î says the friend, who claims the couple are drawing up a legal document to provide for Katieís and the babyís financial well-being for life. ìTom will set up Katie and the baby,î adds the pal.
Of course we are nothing if not believers in love and rainbows and puppies, so we did not believe that a relationship that was based on so much mutual desire could ever come to an end. Thank Xenu that Tom has non-family flack who can jump to the rescue of our broken hearts. The press release stated:
In reference to a forthcoming cover story in the tabloid magazine Life & Style about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it should be known that the story is 100% false. Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family.
The one thing that doesn't add up here is that L & S claimed that the sham would continue until the spring. So even with a Cruise camp denial this whole thing could still be true. Tom and Katie could continue to pretend that they are not having sex for the sake of the fetus for another few months. Until, say, May 5th, when Mission: Impossible III will be playing at a theater near you. It would be so unfortunate if Tom had to endure the feelings of loss associated with a devastating breakup while walking the red carpet at the movie's premier. And if he had to pose in People magazine with his newborn child and talk about how it breaks his heart every time he has to relinquish the little tyke to his mother's care, wouldn't it just be too sad to handle? Wouldn't we then need a nice diversion with spies and villains and explosions and Keri Russell?
Katie has a couple of Gifts for you at MrSkin.com.
Check it, dog: Tom Cruise at MaleStars.com.
