Miranda Kerr Topless. Orlando Bloom Bottomless.

We at CelebNewsWire have made no bones (that's a clever play on words, just wait and see) about the fact that we don't believe Orlando Bloom has genitals. Like a wood sprite or that gnome that scared the Argentinians, he has no need for carnal pleasures when he can make merry in a meadow or drink morning dew out of a lily of the valley. Today we come one step closer to realizing our hypothesis, as Orlando and his girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, are snapped sunbathing half naked on a balcony. Our suspicions about his groin area still aren't confirmed, but the oddly smooth, plasticine buttocks certainly help. Though the absence of pan pipes and curled-toe shoes is troubling. After the cut, see Orlando's ass . . . oh, and Miranda Kerr's boobs. If you're into topless lingerie models or something.