I, Michael Jackson, Being of Sound Mind and Reconstructed Polymer Body

One thing has been really bothering us about Michael Jackson's death. And that's the thought of how Dove Lady from his kid-diddling trial is holding up. Is she self-flagellating? Is she on a hunger strike? Has she crawled inside a cage to weep and coo sadly? While we ponder her fate, here's the latest on the media happily picking their teeth with MJ's bones.

ï The Wall Street Journal (classy!) says that Michael's most recent will is from 2002:

ìA will drafted by Michael Jackson in 2002 divides the singerís estate among his mother, three children and one or more charitiesÖ Several people close to the late Mr. Jackson said that a lawyer for the pop singer could submit the will, believed to be his last, to Los Angeles Superior Court as soon as ThursdayÖ Mr. Jacksonís parents said in a Monday court filing that they believed the singer had died without a valid will. Joseph Jackson isnít believed to be included in the most recent will.î

Oh word? No cash for Pops Jackson? Well, good luck with that production company you were so eager to plug, Joe. Blu-Ray is the technology of the future, after all. Daddy needs a new fedora!

ï TMZ says that not only was MJ's duck butter not used to make his children, but Debbie Rowe's eggs weren't involved either.

Multiple sources deeply connected to the births tell us Michael was not the sperm donor for any of his kids. Debbie's eggs were not used. She was merely the surrogate, and paid well for her services in the births of Michael Jr. and Paris.

Tons of cash and you don't even have to have intercourse with Michael or Matthew Broderick? How do we get into this celebrity surrogate business?

ï Liza Minnelli, one of Michael's closest friends, cryptically said:
"

All those who knew him well really know what he was like, and I'm sure that now the accolades are going and I'm sure when the autopsy comes, all hell's going to break loose. So thank God we're celebrating him now."

We already know about the barber pole wiener, Liza, so step off.

ï Finally, the doctor who performed shoddy bed CPR on the King of Pop and failed to revive him will not be attending MJ's funeral. TMZ reports:

Dr. Conrad Murray hasn't been watching the media coverage and has been "isolating himself" from the public. Also, Murray hasn't spoken with the Jackson family since he saw them at the hospital on the day Michael died.

Murray's rep said he's skipping the funeral to "mourn privately for the death of his friend."

And also because he killed him, see.