Megan Fox Dates Strippers, Cups Ball Sacks

Sometimes we put on our horn-rimmed glasses, sharpen our best number two pencil, and wrack our brain as if we were trying to solve an impossible calc equation. The topic? Why people love Megan Fox so much. Sure, she's hot, but is that enough? Enough to cancel out the terrible, terrible tattoos and the David Silver jizz stains? Our answer is usually no, but today things have become very clear. Today we finally understand the whole Megan Fox thing. Because she did a little interview with GQ magazine where she talked about boatloads of sexy stuff, and we said, "Ah, that's it! That's why people love Megan Fox!" First up, that whole Megan-grabbing-BAG's-nutsack thing? She was just horsing around. There was no ejaculation or anything. No big deal. Quotes Dlisted:

I donít understand why theyíre so scandalous. When they first came out, it was like, Megan Fox was giving Brian a blow job in pubóI mean, uhóa hand job in public. First: Who gives hand jobs? Whoís given a hand job since seventh grade? Not me. And who does it at a cafÈ on a public street? I touch him all the time. Itís just like, if you have a girlfriend, you grab her butt or whatever. Thatís all it was, but it became a big deal. I donít know why. For me, touching Brianís dick for two secondsóthatís not part of our sex life. Thatís me playing around; you know, you just cup it a little. For a few seconds.

But if she had jerked off BAG under the table, girl would be talking about it, as she has vowed that she will always be honest about her nasty nookie habits, saying:

Sex is something that everyone does, so why can't I talk about it?

You know what else she's honest about? Snogging girls. Hot Russian stripper girls, one of whom she dated when she was 18.

Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided – oh man, sorry, mommy! – that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop.

I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita.

Look, I'm not a lesbian. I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl – Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She's mesmerising. And lately I've been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but … oh boy.

OK, OK, OK. You win, Megan Fox. You are goddamn super-duper groin-crunchingly hot. Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted? To make us waste days upon days imagining you and Olivia Wilde engaged in hot, sweaty lesbian sex? Because we're willing to do that if it will make you happy. We just love you that much.