We thought that we would stop hearing about Megan Fox for a while, seeing as how she doesn’t have any more movies coming out in the near future. God, were we naive. She will never, ever go away. When CelebNewsWire is 80 and on our third artificial hip, we will still be writing about how sexy sexy sexy she is. There will be pictures of her in AARP magazine seductively slurping a glass of Metamucil. This week she was even interviewed by The New York Times. Basically she says she’s not a slut and that all that sex talk is to, like, advance the cause of feminism or something.
If I had been a typical starlet and said all the right things, I wouldn’t have escalated to this level. I sit down and do an interview and I talk like a person and that, for some reason, is shocking. All women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. You’re sold, and it’s based on sex. That’s O.K., if you know how to use it.
It’s been a crazy year. I’ve learned that being a celebrity is like being a sacrificial lamb. At some point, no matter how high the pedestal that they put you on, they’re going to tear you down. And I created a character as an offering for the sacrifice. I’m not willing to give my true self up. It’s a testament to my real personality that I would go so far as to make up another personality to give to the world. The reality is, I’m hidden amongst all the insanity. Nobody can find me.
OK, we get it. Your real self is hidden away, protected from the public, sheathed in baby bunting. Whatever. Now can you please do the same with your fake self? Hide it somewhere really, really good, like a moon crater. That would be really helpful to our sanity.
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Flaky self-important tattoo freak needs to return to the circus. The only pedestal she’s on is the one of her own creation.
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