Make up Your Own Story About Brangelina, Place Here

Are you sick of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and their adorable mixed bag o' babies yet? Are you also sick of chocolate and pizza and sex and puppies? You sure are one cold bastard. But if you can take any more of the world of "I'm better than you" that is Brangelina, read on for news of their maybe/maybe not wedding and their possible boy/possible girl baby! So we're telling you they're either getting married or they're not and they're either having a boy or girl. God, aren't we helpful today?

So according to The New York Daily News, Angelina was overheard pontificating the state of her ring finger to director Robert Rodriguez recently. She said, "We will never marry. If the kids get older and demand that we have a ceremony, we might. But that's a touchy subject with us." But The London Sun reports that Brad has commissioned a wedding ring, and Star magazine reports hearing Brad say that he and his bowl full of lips would be getting married "very soon." So what we imagine is going to happen is that Brad will give Angelina a custom-designed eight-trillion-dollar ring the size of our cat's head, and Angelina will laugh maniacally as her torso begins to elongate and she grows to thirty feet tall and smushes Brad's hopeful little head under her shiny black boot, all while proclaiming, "You silly little man. You think you can tame the Angelina beast? I am an eater of genitals. I will chew them up and deem them forever after unusable and make you enjoy it. I must roam free and have the ability to devour penises and vaginas alike at my will." And then Brad will cry and cry and cry and Jennifer Aniston will scowl and laugh.
But what of the world-domination-capable fetus growing in Angelina's perfection factory? Will it me male of female? Both, apparently. According to Life & Style, Brad Pitt's sister has been blabbing that the kid will take female form, but The National Enquirer claims that Angelina's stolen sonogram shows a tiny yet beautiful penis. We would usually believe Life & Style on this one, but we've become quite fond of The Enquirer lately, even without Anna Nicole Smith and her talking dog. Our mother really loved the lilac stretch polyester pants we ordered her from an Enquirer ad. But wait, weren't they supposed to be expecting twins? Maybe everyone is right!

Hot mama Angelina at MrSkin.com.