With her ropey sinews of brutal, jerky-like muscles, Madonna can pick up anything and crush it. She can turn concrete to dust with a flick of her thumb, and streetlight poles into origami cranes with a few twists of her rippling forearms. And it turns out that she tried to muscle her husband and marriage in a similar fashion. Our gossip Kabbalah leader, Female First, reports:
Madonna tried to control Guy Ritchie with a "marriage contract", it has been claimed. The "contract" was drawn up after the couple – who split after nearly eight years of marriage two weeks ago – visited marriage counsellors two years ago.
According to Britain's The Sun newspaper the document ordered Guy to "Work to enrich his wife's emotional and spiritual wellbeing," and devote time to reading texts related to Kabbalah, the mystical offshoot of Judaism which Madonna follows.
On sex, the marriage rules state both of the couple should "devote time to our sexual expressiveness" and "not use sex as a stick to beat one another".
The rules also detailed how Guy should "resolve conflicts in a constructive way", and if they were arguing he must not shout at his wife, but look her in the eye and say: "I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this."
A source close to the couple said: "Guy felt bound up."
Who can blame him. We, too would be completely constipated. Especially after a hearty beating with that sinister-sounding fuckstick.
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