"And They Shall Only Take Eighteen Breaths Per Minute"

We've got a few funny things to tell you about Madonna, but first, a confession, for which we'll abandon the sacred rules of blogdom and slip into the first person. When I was eight I loved Madonna. We're talking cut the fingers off my gloves love here. I even declared in class that I wanted to be Madonna. And when the teacher asked, "Oh, you want to be a singer?" I said, "No. I want to be Madonna." It was serious. Over the years, that love faded, probably due in some part to "La Isla Bonita" cause it was really, really lame. And now I only find Madonna amusing, in a point and laugh at the lady with really nasty muscles sort of way. And today I'm pointing and laughing especially hard at all the dumbass things Madge thinks she can make Guy Ritchie do when their children visit him. The Daily Mail reports that when Rocco and David went to visit Guy in London this morning, Madonna laid down some rules. You know, normal stuff, like "Don't let the boys play with fire" and "Don't let synthetic fibers touch their delicate skin." Normal crap. Like:

•Under no circumstances should they read newspapers, magazines, or be allowed to watch TV or DVDs.
•They must adhere at all times to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no processed or refined food.
•All water they drink, even when it is to dilute organic juice, should be Kabaalah water (Mountain spring blessed by leaders of the Kabbalah religion she follows).
•They should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain man-made fibres.
•Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in public places.
•They should not be bought toys which are spiritually or ethically unsound.
•Guy should not discuss the separation with them.
•Madonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three or four times a day at times set by her.
•They boys should not be introduced to Guy's new friends, especially any new female friends he has attracted since the separation.
•Madonna has encouraged the access to give him time with the boys, rather than his parents spending large amounts of time with the boys.
•The boys should not be photographed with Guy. It is his responsibility to organise security so that does not happen.
•At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote.

We think it's telling that the story is accompanied by photos of Guy greeting Rocco and David at the airport, a clear breach of rule #11. So we can only assume that they left Heathrow and went on a shopping trip to purchase toy guns and Jesus figurines (for target practice) and a whole shitload of polyester underwear that they could wear (with nothing else) for the remainder of the trip. Then they went to meet one of Daddy's "special friends" before Guy shipped them off to Granny and Grampy's house, where the boys watched nonstop TV, read Boy's Life and Highlights, rubbed their hands in dog shit without washing them, ate a bunch of pesticide and GMO-laden burgers and fries, and drank lukewarm tapwater. Then when Guy returned at bedtime he began to read: "The English Roses. A children's story. Written by a dirty whore who should get herpes and fall off a balcony." Way to find a quick route to making Guy the best dad ever, Madge. Now excuse us, we're on our way to buy a "Team Guy" t-shirt. Those things are still hip, right?


See mama Madonna nude at MrSkin.com.