"Like Cuddling up to a Piece of Gristle"

Lately we've noticed a pattern with Madonna. We won't hear much out of her for a few months, she'll be busy palling it up with JT in the studio or touring or otherwise completing tasks that might be considered work. And then for about two weeks there will be about ten stories a day about her. Divorce, no divorce, affair with A-Rod, Kabbalah cheerleader, feud with brother, sham feud with brother, kissing random girls onstage because she's edgy and dangerous, something about Sandra Bernhard or Jose Conseco. It's just too much. We can't keep up. We kind of even miss proper British lady Madonna, who would show up in magazine spreads all decked out in tweed showing off her horses and her castle and talking about her inspirational children's books. Instead it's sex, sex, sex, and who wants to hear about that? At this point, imagining Madonna having sex is sort of like watching your five-foot-two-and-built gym teacher demonstrate putting a condom on a banana. Not exactly erotic. So it's probably good news that Madonna and Guy Ritchie haven't seen each other's pee-pees in over a year. Reports our own condom-application demonstrator, FemaleFirst:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie didn't have sex for 18 months as their marriage crumbled.

The couple - who announced last week they were separating, ending months of rumours - reportedly didn't get close beneath the sheets because the 'Hung Up' singer was too tired for love due to her gruelling daily 4-hour workouts.

A friend close to the pair said: "Guy got more and more frustrated as she spent nearly half the day exercising. When she did eventually get home she'd be too tired to make love.

"When the cracks first started to show, Guy would plead with her to spend more time with him but she wouldn't. She'd insist she did her four-hour workout. They've been apart so much in the last two years that their opportunities to make love would have been fairly limited. They've also been in separate rooms a lot after big rows so there wasn't any chance to make up."

It has also been claimed that Guy, 40, found 50-year-old Madonna's super-toned body a turn-off, and yearned for the soft, womanly curves she had when they first fell in love after meeting in 1999.

The 'RocknRolla' director is reported to have confided in a friend he was finding his superstar star spouse less attractive the more fitness obsessed she became.

The pal told Britain's News of the World newspaper: "After a few drinks one evening, Guy said it was like cuddling up to a piece of gristle. All the soft feminine tones had been replaced by the build of an athlete."

Guy might like a nice marble of fat, but it seems that Alex Rodriguez likes the challenge of stringy, chewy meat. Apparently A-Rod and Madge are still hitting it, and she wants him to put a fetus in her half-century-old uterus. According to the Daily Mail:

Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez, despite her age.

The singer is planning her future with the American baseball player, it emerged last night.

There is no suggestion that Madonna has to date had a physical relationship with Rodriguez.

However, a friend said: 'She thinks he's physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.'

Yeah, we don't believe this story AT ALL. What's more likely is that Madonna will see A-Rod's kids, stick her special "I claim this child in the name of Madonna" flag in them, and make them start calling her Mommy. Pregnancy is just too time consuming.


See Madonna nude—and a little less muscle-bound—at MrSkin.com.