Madonna Is a Ghost Writer (Not a Ghost Rider; That's Nicolas Cage)

We have finally cracked the world's biggest secret: We are all marionettes, and Madonna's pulling the strings. Shocking, right? You thought maybe that task was seen to by Bill Gates or God or someone, but you were wrong. It's Madonna. She makes us think she's getting a divorce so we'll cry and cry and feel sorry for her inability to make love last or some bullshit, then she makes us believe she's having an affair with A-Rod so that we'll say, "I wonder if he'll be with her on tour. I should buy tickets to see if he's there." Sheep. We are all sheep, and Madonna is our shepherd. Oh yeah, and that horrible, mean book Madge's brother just released? She probably wrote it. Reports Page Six:

MADONNA is truly the master of media manipulation. "The supposed scandal about [her brother] Christopher Ciccone's book is bull[bleep]," an insider told Page Six. "She actually ghost-wrote parts of it with him, the way Princess Diana helped Andrew Morton write his book on her. That's why there's nothing too devastating in Chris's book. He's mean to others, but not so much to his sister." In addition, Madge, now frighteningly rail thin, exploited Alex Rodriguez. "She flirted with him and manipulated him," our source declared. "She didn't count on wife Cynthia leaving him and naming her in the divorce, though." Madonna is using the buzz over her relationship with A-Rod to her benefit. "She's ordered three A-Rod Yankee jerseys she'll wear in the finale of her upcoming shows. All of this was created to sell tickets for her tour, which hasn't been selling so well." A rep for Madonna didn't return calls.

That explains why the most "shocking" and "damaging" thing in the book is about Madonna stuffing her tongue in Gwyneth Paltrow's mouth. We're pretty sure that just Madge's informal greeting style. But we do like the idea that the entire sibling rivalry storyline was made up years ago, with Madonna explaining to Christopher, "OK, I'm going to be really mean to you in public and pretend that I totally hate your guts, then one day when I need another bajillion dollars I'm going to write a faux scandalous book and say you wrote it and people will talk about me for months and months. If you play along like a good little boy I'll buy you a Kia Spectra or something." Genius.

Find more pics of sunken-cheeked Madge at Yeeeah!

It is her will: See Madonna nude at MrSkin.com.