Normally, the idea of a fallen star resorting to selling her story to a tabloid would make us chuckle like Grandpa after we pulled his finger, but this is so pathetic that we feel bad. Which was the aim, so cheers, fallen firecrotch Lindsay Lohan, you've earned our sympathy. Well, maybe "sympathy" isn't the word. "Arms-length condolences and a slightly squirmy feeling" covers it though. After confirming her breakup with human hat stand Samantha Ronson, Lindsay ran to US Weekly and sung like a stoolie for a cover story. Some highlights:
In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the "humiliating" weekend showdown with Ronson's family, and says that friends' fears she is suicidal are unfounded.
"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.
Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)
The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson's mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.
Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson. "Everyone's turned on me," says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said "Uck," and Drea De Matteo said, "Come at me, bitch."
To be fair, Nicole Richie finds Joel Madden attractive enough to accept his unsheathed penis into her cadaverous body, so anyone she deems "uck"-worthy can take that as a compliment. On the other hand, you don't fuck with the Drea under any circumstances. Unless you want to find yourself strapped to the roof of Shooter Jennings's El Camino, an acrylic nail tip embedded in your eyeball.
