In Which We Don't Make Fun of Lindsay Lohan Attempting Suicide, Cause It's Sad

We are generally not moral people. We have a few guidelines that we like to think set us apart from the pink-haired starfuckers out there. These include not calling a 115 pound woman whose belly forms folds when she bends over fat and not talking shit on people in rehab. Once they're out and have replaced their pressed powder with a facial dusting of cocaine they're fair game, but we like to think that when a person is in rehab they want to kick the junk. Yes, even Lindsay Lohan. Call us optimists.

It seems that Lindsay might be suffering from more than a drug problem–just like any college girl who ditches her "freshman experiment" and gets back together with her high-school boyfriend when she returns home for the summer, Lindz can't come to grips with her lady gropes. Celebrity Dirty Laundry reports:

Lindsay Lohan attempted to commit suicide twice, according to a source. A close friend tells that during an emotional meltdown in NYC in the weeks before her DUI, Lindsay screamed that she just wanted to end it all and tried. ìShe grabbed a knife and started cutting at her writs,î the insider reveals. ìA friend made her stop and went around looking for sharp objects. Lindsay ran into the bathroom with a bottle of Advil.îCrying, ìLeave me alone! I just want to die!î Lindsay locked herself in the bathroom and threatened to swallow the entire bottle, says the source. Finally, someone broke down the door and saved the distraught actress from herself!

Rumors are also circulating that Samantha Ronson partially the reason Lindsay has been so out control. Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan were battling for two days because, ìLindsay wonít acknowledge her as her girlfriend,í says a source. On the night, of accident the fighting esculated and Samantha stormed out of Lindsay's apartment. ìAt about 5 am, Samantha stormed out of Lindsayís apartment complex off Sunset Blvd. ìLindsay came up behind Samantha in her black Mercedes. There was someone else in the passenger seat Lindsay slowed down and exchanged a few heated words with Samantha. Samantha then got in the car, sitting on the lap of the passenger and they took off.

About 10 minutes later, Lindsay crashed her car. She was speeding and lost control. An eyewitness tells that after the crash, Lindsay, Samantha and other friend fled the scene. ìLindsay crawled out of her smashed car from the passenger side and ran over toward the house across the street,î says the onlooker. The security guard at the estate says Lindsay was ìhysterical.î She started ringing the doorbell. Then, she and her friends left and Lindsayís bodyguard arrived and drove the damaged Mercedes away.

Man, Lindsay, you're really making it hard on us here. You're in rehab, you've supposedly tried to kill yourself, you can't find a decent relationship. How are we supposed to make jokes about that? We really need a new crop of celebrities to step in and take over for Lindsay and Britney and their increasingly pathetic ilk. Delightfully wacky people like Posh Spice, only with an overwhelming desire to dress in clown costumes while dining at the Ivy and drive a pimped out golf cart down Robertson Blvd. That is truly what this world needs to heal.

Remember Lindsay's good times at MrSkin.com.