At long last, Lindsay Lohan has finally put down the Aquafina bottle filled with Stoli and the white-dusted pocket mirror long enough to check her freckled ass into rehab. While various sundry nightcrawlers, club owners, MisShapes and Motherfuckers claw at their glad rags, screaming, "What now?" to the heavens, Lindsay released this statement via Leslie Sloane Zelnick:
"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."
Cheers to Ms. Zelnick for either constructing a simple, precise statement on her own or, more likely, whittling a rambling, 800-word, Blackberry-penned 4:30 A.M. note from Lindsay into a clear, concise, fully adequite statement.
Depending on who you listen to or read, Lindsay was encouraged to check into rehab by either Brandon "Oily Heir" Davis (did he confront her by saying, "You really need to get yourself in check. Get yourself some professional help. Because I care about you. And your seven foot clitoris. Firecrotch."?) or her family with the help of the crew from her new movie. They allegedly staged an intervention after her frequent absences from the set spurred them to threaten to sue her.
But honestly, we can't blame Lindsay for her substance abuse problems. She's got a dad in jail and a mom who is an enabling cougar in a miniskirt. The finger-lickin' good Dina released a statement of her own regarding her child's recovery:
"I'm so proud of her. She's really in a good place right now, spiritually and mentally. She's in an amazing, phenomenal place. She's 20 and she's solid, and she's doing what she needs to do. I don't know that many people who are that secure. It's all about her, and getting back on track. She's fine — she's amazingly fine."
Yes, when a 20-year-old checks into rehab after upwards of 600 hospitalizations and nearly getting fired from various film projects, the adjectives and phrases that immediately spring to mind are "good place, spiritually and mentally", "solid", "secure" and "amazingly fine". Dina's just mad she's losing her Bungalow bathroom visit buddy.
See La Lohan in all her prehab glory, at MrSkin.com.
