How far do you think Lindsay Lohan made it in school? Eighth grade maybe? So when Linds is promoting her can-tan and saying that it's her own secret special formula, no one is picturing her wearing a lab coat, pouring various orangey substances into beakers, right? You're picturing her chewing on her hair during a meeting with semi-competent-looking people asking, "Do you approve of this shade? Lindsay? Hello? Is this one OK with you?" And Lindsay responding, "Uh, sure. Whatever. Where are my smokes?" So it's no surprise that Lindsay and Sevin Nyne are being sued by an actual chemist. You, know, one who has a degree and knows about chemicals n' shit. It's a long and convoluted story involving lawyers and other scary-type people, so we'll boil it down. Lindsay's partner met with said chemist, sampled the product, then said, "Nah. I'm cool, thanks," then partnered with Lindsay, probably thinking, "Lindsay never met that scientist lady, so if we say Lindsay invented the product it'll be all cool. And totally believable," then the chemist found out and said, "No way, bitches, shit's MINE" and called her lawyer. Damn, we're good at this story summation thing. We're like the gossip equivalent of Cokie Roberts.
But in case all you care about is seeing Lindsay Lohan in a bikini, we've got you covered. She dropped by the Mr. Skin photo booth at the Silver Spoon Malibu Beach House this weekend and got all pose-y. Sure, the bikini's nice, but we can't stop looking at the hair. The red just makes us so happy. And it's really a good career move on LiLo's part. Get us thinking about The Parent Trap and Mean Girls via hair color and maybe we'll forget about Georgia Rule and the rest.
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Who knows? Maybe she did accidentally come up with a tanning formula in the meth lab the way Fred MacMurray accidentally discovered flubber.
I'd rather rub flubber into my flesh than this shit.
Y'know, there's a disturbing joke somewhere in this piece, but for the life of me I can't find it! Maybe it'll come to me before Ms. Lohan's experiments turn something bad. (We can hope just changes her skin color blue or pasley or even turn her into a fat fifty year old man, but this is reality and not LOONY TUNES. Chances are she might end up another static.)
I smell something else coming…and I have the feeling it's a countersuit from Ms. Lohan about how whatever it was she used on her skin is giving her cancer. (Course, that lawsuit would be dismissed on several levels. Even the Simpsons' lawyer wouldn't touch it.)
No cancer could survive the toxicity level in her body. Anyone ELSE who tries to use her methamphetamine-derived flubber as a tanning agent will be dead within minutes.