Maxim Overturns Accepted Order of Sexiness

It seems that every month or so some magazine or website or other collective of undersexed males declares who, at that very moment, every man on earth should want to do dirty things to more than any other living female. For a while there it looked as if Angelina Jolie would top every such list for eternity, but apparently scooping up the world's orphans one by one and making them crazy sexy cool isn't that hot. Recent months have seen Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel duking it out, with the boobs winning out in the winter months and the butt emerging like a spring tulip to entrance all comers. But today we have a long-lost dark horse pulling out in front. Can you stand the suspense? Really, really, can you? Aw, crap. We put her picture right there next to these words and ruined the surprise. We suck.

And Maxim came down from the mountain and thus spoke: "Thou hast the juiciest cans. Thou shall be the star of men's fantasies. Until next year, at least." Or something. Everything we know about the Bible we learned from Mel Brooks. On with the list!

1) Lindsay Lohan
2) Jessica Alba
3) Scarlett Johansson
4) Christina Aguilera
5) Jessica Biel
6) Ali Larter
7) Eva Mendes
8) Rihanna
9) Eva Longoria
10) Fergie

Jessica Biel just barely cracking the top five comes as quite a blow. We expect her summer to be filled with hour-upon-hour and day-upon-day of thrusts and squats until her butt is not only round and protuberant like a nice watermelon but is also the firmness of concrete. Biel's booty shall overcome!