Somewhere Paris Hilton is plotting in her secretly diabolical and surprisingly quite capable mind, figuring out just how to procure steel bars and just-add-water gruel and clearing a space in the darkest corner of her basement to erect her very own jail cell. And one day Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan will both seemingly disappear, only to be discovered after Paris, sweaty and mad-eyed, stumbles out of her house mumbling, "23 days. 23 days. 23 days. Those bitches need to pay. Mmmwahaha!"
So some stuff happened with Lindsay in court yesterday. It's all kind of complicated and boring and very nicely summed up by TMZ. All you really need to know is that Lindy Loho will spend one day in jail. But even more important is that Lindz has finally admitted that she might just be a teensy bit fucked up. She sent this statement to TMZ:
"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not injure others. I easily could have.
I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so."
God, Lindz, that took you long enough. These last few years have been like waiting for a five-year-old to apologize for spilling grape juice on the rug. "It's not my fault. The rug shouldn't have been there. You're the one who gave me the juice. I don't have a juice problem. Sure, I like it, but I know when to stop. Just leave me alone and let me drink my juice!" Only, you know, with an airplane hangar full of vodka and enough blow to cover every square inch of Luxembourg.
Of course, Lindsay may not actually have to spend that whole 24 hours in jail, if Nicole Richie is any indication. Richie was sentenced to four days behind bars, but yesterday she served all of 82 minutes. What's the goddamn point? Is 82 minutes the exact amount of time one needs to realize, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't down a bunch of Vicodin, toke up, and ignore those 'one way' signs"? We spent 82 minutes yesterday taking a crap. And we're pretty sure we didn't find God or learn the meaning of lawfulness or serve any debt to society.
Spend 82 minutes in tribute staring at Nicole's pre-preg cans at MrSkin.com.
And then move on to Lindsay.
