Lohan Angry! Lohan Smash! Lohan Tweet! Lohan Go to Jail!

We're sure this was an epic weekend for you. We're betting you upchucked at least twice, cried once, made some regrettable Twitter updates while intoxicated, and fought bitterly with your significant other. Funny, demi-lesbian Lindsay Lohan had the exact same weekend. The only difference between yours and hers is that she wasn't wearing some sort of green plastic accoutrement that may or may not have included tiny blinking lights. In the last three days, she had a warrant issued for her arrest, she Tweeted up a firecrotch firestorm about her tumultuous clam-shucking romance with Samantha Ronson, and cops were called after she and Sam busted out a window. Phew. This calls for bullet points.

ï An arrest warrant was issued Friday night, and there's a court hearing being held as we speak. TMZ says:

We know exactly why Lindsay Lohan is being hauled into court Monday and it's no big deal — probably.

Lindsay was in an alcohol ed program for more than a year and was in full compliance with her probation. Sources say not too long ago she decided to switch programs. She either was late or missed one of the classes at the new program — she says because the paparazzi made it impossible for her to show up on schedule. So the program director sounded the alarm last week to the court. And that's why the judge issued a warrant.

ï People adds:

Lohanís latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m. [on Saturday], Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholsonís house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

ï What better way to express frustration with your bicurious romance than to Tweet the shit out of it? Gawker has caps from Lohan's private Twitter:

"should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don't know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY"

ï However, Twooting her heart out didn't help matters, and Lilo and Sam fought so hard they done busted a window. People, again:

Lohanís bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronsonís house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

At this point we're wondering how Lindsay Lohan can stand and walk and talk and function after such a bender. Just reading that summary had us reaching for the Alka-Seltzer and the ice pack. It's as if she is a new breed of alien celebrity sent to earth to destroy us. Through Red Bull fueled cooter-licking. Our Earth weapons are powerless against her tolerance for stimulants and taste for gonads.