Buffy the Ex-Wife Slayer

We followers of celebrity gossip are cold and mean and hard-hearted and have no joy in our lives, save the misery of others. We revel in the failure of love. Our favorite recurrent Hollywood theme is the good, loyal (and often barren) wife being overturned for the younger, richer, or more famous replacement, who will immediately have his baby and coo about what a wonderful partner he is. Angelina Jolie, Tori Spelling, and Kristy Swanson are all shining examples. But only one had the balls to beat the ass of her man's ex. Yeah, we were hoping it'd be Jolie too, but since we do not write erotic Lara Croft fan fic, we cannot deliver that particular story after the jump.

People reports:

Skating with Celebrities star Kristy Swanson was arrested late Saturday night for allegedly assaulting the ex-wife of her companion and former skating partner, Lloyd Eisler, Swanson tells PEOPLE.

"I had to go the police station where I had an appointment at 9 p.m. to begin the process of being arrested," she confirms.

Swanson was released on $500 (Canadian) bail. Officers escorted her into the police station in Kingston, Ontario, after Eisler's ex, Marcia O'Brien, filed a complaint against Swanson.

Swanson, 37, claims she was attacked by O'Brien in front of Eisler and O'Brien's children. The actress's rep, Michael Sands, says Swanson plans to press charges against O'Brien, saying that police took photographs of her back and other parts of her upper extremities to document the injuries.

O'Brien declined to comment, except when asked if she attacked Swanson, she replied: "Why have I not been charged?"

Canadian police also declined to comment.

Eisler, 44, a former world champion pairs skater, and Swanson, who starred in the big-screen version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, met in 2006 while filming the FOX reality series, and their romance created a scandal in the skating community when Eisler left his pregnant wife for her. The pair welcomed a baby boy in February.

We've never seen any of those shows where celebrities try to prove that they have talents outside of acting, mostly because we're too busy watching chipmunk porn, and our mother's lifelong love of ice skating has left us with a severe mental disorder that once resulted in a series of seizures at Dora the Explorer on Ice (we love Dora and her precocious bilingualism; don't judge). But we do know one thing about Kristy Swanson: She starred in Flowers in the Attic, an adaptation of the best V.C. Andrews's incest-heavy trash novels. And that has left us with pretty high expectations for Kristy's personal life. And beating her boyfriend's ex-wife isn't all that scandalous for a V.C. vet. But if Kristy were to find out that Lloyd was really her long-lost twin brother who was snatched at birth and raised in a Canadian castle where he was forced to ice skate for eighteen hours every day, and even after that revelation she declared her love for him and became an international spokesperson for incestual relations, well, that would be interesting.

Find the original Buffy (almost) in the buff at MrSkin.com.