Our morning began with a veritable Wilmer Valderrama-rama of sexy proportions. Like most men who are insecure, Wilmer feels the need to brag about his sexual conquests and to measure his weiner obsessively, then crow about it like he's the second coming of Tommy Lee. But unlike most men, he spilled the pervy beans on satellite radio.
Full ratings and terse summaries of Fez's past stable of famous schtup puppets after the cut.
Now, we can't fault Fez for wanting to gloat about bagging Lohan. But the dumb thing here, see, is that telling everyone on Howard Stern's satellite radio show might earn him props from the male population, but he will most certainly never find himself meatily injecting luminous stars of stage and screen ever again. It's OK, Fez, you can always have a drinking buddy in the equally braggy and indiscreet Chris Klein!
Valderrama appeared on the radio yesterday to promote his new TV show, Yo Mama (huh?), but instead, promoted his penis, which he said is "slightly bigger" than eight inches. He then waxed poetic on the virtues of past loves:
Lindsay Lohan: Says she's one of the "best girls" he's ever slept with, and that her boobs are real. When asked if she had ruby pubies, he answered that she was bald as a baby and "really pampered herself". Pampered herself down there, he means.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: An "eight out of 10". We're not sure if that's a compliment or an insult.
Ashlee Simpson: "Loud" in bed. And, we're assuming, off-key.
Mandy Moore: How dare he defile our Mandy, with her kind soul and the glowing corona of luminosity surrounding her sweet face! Fez said that he popped her maidenhead, and that she was "really good" but "not warm like apple pie". Guhhh?
Also stated that he's had two ladies at once, and that he once anally destroyed a very famous actress, but refused to name her. We love that he'll sing like a canary about the texture and temperature of Mandy Moore's vagina, but outing his buttsex partner? That's where Fez draws the line.
Sexy pics of Lohan are at MrSkin.com. Believe it.
J. Lo. Hew. is there, as well.
And Mandy. Oh yes.
