Kirstie Alley Is Scientology's Crazy Person Also-Ran

Just like any clique, Scientology has their fads. But instead of blue glitter nail polish and peep toe heels (only John Travolta seems to have adopted those), the Scientolobots like publicly airing their internal gibberish. We're beginning to think that all those auditing sessions make people unlearn the art of constructing a complete sentence and replace it with a list of keywords that can be constructed in myriad combinations. To Tom Cruise's wild and wooly, KSW, and glib, Kirstie Alley adds mankind, dynamic, and responsibility, according to Page Six:

IF you think Tom Cruise sounds wacky talking about Scientology being the "authority" on everything, just listen to Kirstie Alley, who's interviewed in the church's official magazine, Source. Alley, listed as a founding member of Scientology's "Super Power Expansion Project," gushes about its Florida summit last summer: "I'm walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different . . . My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of 'mankind' – it really irritated me!" Alley continues: "Then I realized why mankind upset me so much – it's because I wasn't taking responsibility! . . . Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind . . . I've made decisions here, big, crazy, great, brilliant decisions here about the magnitude I'm going to help this group and help this planet, and it's real . . . I want everybody in the universe to experience this." Whatever you say, Kirstie!

What the hell did she just say? We can't figure it out beyond "People are swell!" We think those L. Ron followers have a plan here. They have their famous people talk and talk to subdue you until you start thinking, "Hey, I don't understand any of that. Maybe I need to head to my nearest Church of Scientology and pick up some of their literature so I can understand what these crazy people are saying." Then in your quest to be educated, you enter the "church", are whisking into an auditing room where you are given a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup, and are unable to return to the warmth and safety of your home until you've given up $5000, two days of your life, and your free will. We're on to you, Scientology.