Kim Basinger = Creepy Man in Trenchcoat Trying to Lure Kid into Station Wagon

We never had any particular opinion on the union between Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. He's a funny man and we have enjoyed some of his films and 400 Saturday Night Live appearances, and she likes to take her clothes off on film. So we suppose it was a good thing (other than them naming their only daughter Ireland). But their custody battle has provided us with a few chuckles over their mutual bat shitness. Now Alec's accusing Kim of bribing Ireland with chocolate bras. Wait, that was a typo. We meant chocolate bars. A ten-year-old receiving chocolate bras from her mother would just be creepy.

Like a hotter and slightly less eccentric Willy Wonka, Basinger has allegedly been stuffing Ireland's gullet with custom-made chocolate bars that include special messages on the wrapper. But instead of a trip to the chocolate factory and the potential to turn into a blueberry, Ireland just gets more grist for her analyst. One of the not-so-Golden Tickets said, "To my daughter Ireland, who gave me the strength, courage and tenacity to stand up for myself… Mom." Baldwin claims that "the false message she continues to send our daughter is that she needs protection from her father." We think it's very sneaky of Kim to co-opt the traditional divorced-dad role of fattening up the little tyke. Everyone knows that Ireland should be spending her weeks suffering through Mom telling her to do her homework and eat her spinach and go to bed at nine so that she can visit Dad's bachelor pad–complete with leather sofa, big-screen TV, and Playboy calendar–on the weekends and party. Dad's supposed to let her stay up as late as she wants watching R-rated movies and eating nothing but cake and popcorn. If you take that away, what else does a divorced dad have that could entice the attention and adoration of a ten-year-old girl? The twenty-year-old from that National Lampoon movie who's trying to play new mommy by buying her mini skirts and Fabulash?

Hot mama Kim is at MrSkin.com.

And hairy papa Alec is at MaleStars.com.