No one has ever claimed that Kabbalah makes people sane or sensitive to the feelings of others. There was something about spiritual enlightenment or some bullshit, but we weren’t listening. Lately whenever we hear names like Ashton Kutcher and Madonna we get nostalgic for the time when pampered Hollywood stars were merely self-indulgent without thinking they held the secrets to the universe.
Ashton Kutcher is going to have to find a new way to alert the world to his religious devotion (you know, because US Weekly mentioning it every damn week just isn’t enough). Test audiences for Guess Who who weren’t sent running by the pairing of Ashton and Bernie Mac were reportedly “really annoyed” by the presence of Kutcher’s red string throughout the movie, so the studio had to have the offending bracelet digitally removed from the entire film. An insider said, “They spent something like $100,000 on digital imaging to remove it.” We think we’ve hit on something good here. We’re going to get into a test audience for Monster-in-Law and say that we’re “really annoyed” by Jennifer Lopez’s head and see if it gets digitally removed from the film.
And then there’s Madonna. She's the trendy religion's most outspoken convert, and possibly the battiest. But this one we just don't understand. She and husband Guy Ritchie celebrated the Jewish holiday of Purim last week by dressing up as a nun and the Pope. Catholic League President William Donahue told The New York Daily News, "We Catholics thought we had finally gotten rid of the witch when she discovered Kabbalah. In the event she discovers the Wiccan religion, the Catholic League would be happy to donate a proper [witch] costume to her. And we would be ever so happy to send her husband a broom complete with instructions for what to [do] with it." Who ever knew that Catholics could be so bitchy?
