In this world, when a famous woman places a hand upon her stomach, she is gravid with twins, and when a man gives a passing glance at a jewelry store, he is obviously planning on purchasing a huge conflict diamond to present to his buoyant-assed main squeeze. Obviously. So according to our gossip wedding planner, FemaleFirst Justin Timberlake was spotted browsing rings at Tiffany in New York, which means he wants to wed innamorata Jessica Biel. An onlooker said:
"Justin was really taking his time looking round the rings. He made the staff get a couple out of the cabinets so he could properly look at them. He didn't buy anything but told the manager he would think about it."
What the hell is there to think about, Timberlake? Good Christ, homeslice, you have upon your arm one of the finest bottoms that the Lord ever created. Get a damn ring and put it on that finger and make sure you have that kiester legally yours for all time. It's like when God decided to create Jessica Biel's ass, he got together the angels of the finest artists who had ever lived. Michelangelo had a hand in making it. So did Rodin. Da Vinci did a little work on it. Vermeer gave it that lit-from-within glow. And Bob Ross was there, putting "a happy little crack over there". And don't forget Bil Keane, who, with a few deft brush strokes, made Dolly and Jeffy gaze upon Biel's butt in reverence. Bil Keane isn't dead? Goddammit.
