There's been a large, dootie bubble-shaped hole in our hearts since Being Bobby Brown went off the air. Luckily, our favorite brown-bag-skinned, metallic-lawn-ball-breasted Brit, Jordan, and her small plasticine husband, Peter Andre, are bringing their special brand of E-list love Stateside with a new reality series for E! After the cut, Jordan gives us a taste of what we're in for. And what we're in for is implant smothering.
Jordan cannot self-edit, it seems. She cheerfully blabbed the following to The Sun:
ìWeíre really excited [about our reality show]. The only other British couple beginning to make it in America are the Beckhams. I hear Victoria and David are making a one-hour show. Weíll be on eight times a week, with a three-hour show each Saturday. At the end of the day sheís just a footballerís wife and Pete and I are still individuals in our own right.î
Spice Girls? Moving on.
ìMy sex life is brilliant this time round. Even though Iím suffering terrible back pain, Pete and I have been inventive. Pete is really fit and toned and looks incredibly sexy. We have sex in all different ways to get round my backache . . . Pete is fascinated by my huge boobs. He calls them my ëgazallasí and asks if he can touch them. But sometimes they are so sore I snap his head off. He likes to bury his head in them and for me to squash them together so he almost suffocates.î
As far as reality-show sexual misadventures go, "It wasn't not funny" has remained the apogee. But if Peter Andre were to get his head literally snapped off and then squashed between his wife's chestular behemoths, we might have a new champion. Jordan adds,
ìIím also going to have Botox, the works. Itís what Iím looking forward to the most . . . I am one million per cent having a boob job after the birth. It will be my fourth, but I want new implants, possibly smaller, and to perk them up a bit. And if I have a new boob job they will be exclusive to Pete ó nobody else will have touched them.î
Ah, if only everyone could so easily replace their sexual pieces. Snap off the old and bolt on a new with each fresh relationship and all those pesky "jealousy" and "VD" issues will be a thing of the past. Be reborn as a virgin with every replacement part!
And god bless future Baby Andre, who, in 10 years, will stumbled across a clipping of this interview and find out that what his mother was "looking forward to the most" was not seeing his face for the first time, holding him in her waiting arms, or watching him grow–it was paying a man in a lab coat to inject botulism into her crow's feet. The miracle of life!
Explore Jordan's naked replacement parts at MrSkin.com.
