Joel and Nicole To Make Threesome with God

We're pretty sure that most celebrities are Godless sinners who believe that fame gives them an automatic guest-list spot in Heaven (except for Mel Gibson, of course; he loves Jesus), so hearing that Joel Madden won't marry Nicole Richie unless she becomes Christian just confuses us. The National Enquirer reports (via Celebitchy):

“Joel is determined not to marry Nicole until she asks forgiveness for her sins and is willing to raise little Harlow with the same religious upbringing that he had,” a source told The Enquirer. “Joel may look like a rebel, but the truth is he is an old-fashioned conservative guy with hardcore Christian beliefs.

“… The Bible is a big part of his life - so much so that he has a tattoo of Jesus and a Sacred Heart on his arms. Joel went to church regularly as a kid and he believes that God has made him what he is today. He has seen all the problems that spoiled Hollywood children like Nicole encountered, and is determined to prevent Harlow from being the stereotypical Beverly Hills brat.”

In an attempt to break from her checkered past of rehab stints, drunk driving and drug arrests, Nicole has already begun her spiritual transformation, says a close friend. And insiders say she couldn’t be happier. “It looks like Nicole is on the way to fully embracing Joel’s religious beliefs,” said the friend. “She knows how great her life has become thanks to him.”

As The Enquirer reported last week, Nicole has had trouble coping with the stress of motherhood. “Joel thinks God will be the ultimate answer to her problems,” continued the source…. “As much as Joel loves Nicole, and is dedicated to being her rock, he feels like their marriage would never work unless they are on the same page with their religious beliefs,” added the source. “Bottom line, he wants a Christian family.”

"Yeah, baby, you're cool and all, we can live together, I'll screw you when I'm not busy reading my Bible, and you can have my kid, but, sorry, I don't marry heathens."