Joel Madden Dumps Virginal Hilary Duff for Loose, Wanton Waif Nicole Richie

The reason that Good Charlotte "rocker" Joel Madden recently dumped fellow Radio Disney staple Hilary Duff was not because he found it impossible to work around her tombstone veneers, but because she would not give up her maidenhead. New flame Nicole Richie is more to his liking, it seems, since she is far less chaste. Plus, no body fat to induce pesky menstruation = trysts completely free of the chance of unwanted pregnancy. Yay!

We heard Nicole Richie was dating "a Madden", which was puzzling news indeed, as we pictured a hulking, septuagenarean former Raider spiking our favorite undernourished celebrity in the end zone. Then some younger members of the CelebNewsWire team clued us in to the fact that the Madden in question is not a purveyor of fine video games but a purveyor of aural B.M. and we got mad that we were actually going to have to give the dude his own category. According to PageSix.com:

Even though Nicole Richie has only been dating Hilary Duff's ex, Joel Madden, for a few weeks, sources tell Page Six the two are moving ahead full speed. Spies say Madden, who was rumored to have dumped Duff because she wouldn't sleep with him, was listed on Richie's book ing papers after her arrest this week as her "emergency contact person." The reality star was busted for DWI Monday morning when she was caught driving the wrong way on an L.A. freeway. A rep for Richie did not return calls.

We sat here for a half hour staring at this story and trying to think of an out joke, but we already covered "Nicole Richie is skinny," "Good Charlotte sucks," and "Hilary Duff has equine teeth" so early in the game that we're sitting here, empty-handed and slack-jawed. Some might say we've lost our touch, but we're just going minimalist. We're the Philip Glass of the gossip world!

A fleshier Nicole is lookin' tasty at MrSkin.com.