Jessica Simpson's Vagina Free to Date Other People

Theyíve finally done it; Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have finally grown tired of each otherís genitals. And this isnít like that other time when E! tricked us into believing that Jess was finally free to slut it up all over town and we naÔvely believed them. No, this time weíre believing US Weekly. Theyíre way more reliable.

Weíre still waiting on word of the actual US article, which at this time seems to remain unseen (as lowly Midwesterners we donít get a chance to find out how stars are just like us until later in the week), but certain details have already been obtained. We already knew that Jessica had a penchant for Hazzard ass (we even heard a rumor that she tried to track down the original Cooter and show him her . . . er, cooter. Granted the rumor came from our twelve-year-old nephew who laughs any time someone says balls). But we had no idea girl liked the whiskey. Weíre quite impressed. We figured her usual party plan revolved around a constant stream of Screaming Orgasms accented by a couple shots of Apple Pucker. Apparently the article blames everything on Jessica (her drunken ways, her creepy close relationship with Papa Joe, her need for Jackass cock), but weíre guessing that Nick had a little something to do with the split. Aside from allegedly making out with a nineteen-year-old in a hotel in Ohio recently, heís Nick f-ing Lachey. He was in 98 Degrees. His biggest aspiration in life is to hang out with his buddies drinking Pabst and watching football then maybe write something in the Wichita Pennysaver about how awesome the game was. Can you really blame Jessica for wanting to get away from that now that sheís a big movie star and could be porking big names like Colin Farrell or that guy who started Girls Gone Wild? Jessica deserves more than a failed musician who doesnít understand that sheís only joking when she says she wonít get pregnant if they do it in the pool. Sheís not stupid, people; sheís just really goddamned funny.
That sexy bitch Perez Hilton has an early scan of the US Weekly cover here.

Jessica is free and sexy at MrSkin.com.