Jessica Simpson and Madonna Sex Tape! Jessica Simpson and Madonna Sex Tape?

Yes! Jessica Simpson and Madonna sex tape. No, not together, dummies, so kindly tame your vomity visions of Madonna rogering Jessica with a Kabbalah water bottle. According to our personal gossip pope, Female First, a tape featuring Alex Rodriguez slipping Madonna the ole A-Rod on a couch exists and is being shopped around despite being wildly illegal:

Madonna is reportedly at the centre of a sex tape scandal. A cameraman claims to have a video of Madonna and baseball player Alex Rodriguez romping on a sofa. He is trying to sell the tape – allegedly shot with a hidden camera in an apartment owned by a friend of the cameraman which was used by the couple for secret liaisons – for £1 million.

The unnamed owner of the tape claims he visited the property and hid a camera, pointed at the sofa which captured the X-rated footage two months ago.

A legal source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper that the implications of the secret filming could be dire for the cameraman, saying: "If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. But more than that he would not have had his friend's consent to install the camera and must have entered the apartment without approval to hide it.

"He would be guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he'd be going to jail for a few years."

In similar big-breasted-blondes-with-knuckleheads news, there may also exist a tape featuring Jessica Simpson having God-sanctioned matrimonial sexual intercourse with ex-husband Nick Lachey. Says Showbiz Spy:

Rumours have emerged that a sex tape starring Jessica Simpson will appear online. According to the Daily Sport, the home movie, which features popstar and actress Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey, has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's holiday sex video.

A source said: "Jessica is horrified her name and 'sex tape' are being mentioned in the same sentence. She's always been a girl of high morals and principles."

The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.

Listen, Madonna and Jessica. That's all fine and good that you're copulating on camera, but in the last couple of years, the celebrity sex tape bar has been raised quite a bit. We've had golden showers, night vision, wieners on dames, and midgets. If you want to make it in this cutthroat, dog-eat-dog world, you're going to have to step it up. And actually cut throats or eat dogs. Soon to be a Belladonna release, coming to a video store near you.

Jessica Simpson at her sexiest at MrSkin.com.

And Madonna is NAKED at MrSkin.com.