Jessica Simpson Pulls a Circa 2005 Lohan

Remember two weeks ago? When Jessica Simpson was hospitalized for having a busted pisser? According to Star, Jess's wee-wee woes were the result of three weeks of hardcore binge drinking. Woo! Quotes our beloved Yeeeah!:

After hooking up with Tony [Romo] in November, insiders say her partying and drinking are out of control. Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol…. She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”

Adding to her distress, Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test. “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant.”

Wait, wait, wait, Hold up. Hold the damn phone. Alcohol prevents infection. That's why rubbing alcohol is included in first aid kits. And why we always chase the clap away with a fifth of MD 20/20. Furthermore, please note the timeline mapped out in the above quotes. She binge drank for three weeks. And her period was three weeks late. She was just practicing a little preventative birth control, people! Nothing takes care of a pesky unwanted pregnancy like bottle after bottle of Wild Turkey. Or, for added protection, douching with Dr. Pepper mixed with Pop Rocks. It's called Spears Family Planning, folks. Look it up.



Drink in the lovely Jessica Simpson at MrSkin.com.