You might be thinking to yourself, "Why is Jennifer Lopez sharing her breath with the walking corpse she calls a husband? What purpose does he serve in her life that couldn't be fulfilled by a loyal lap dog, a really good personal assistant, and a two-inch vibrator?" We're guessing she will continue pumping him full of oxygen long enough for him to reach the Operating Thetan level that will allow him to FINALLY impregnate her. Then it's off to the morgue with you, Anthony.
We deeply, sincerely apologize that we have to quote Fox News for this story, but what can you do? We'll restore balance to the universe by having an abortion on our lunch hour.
My sources tell me that as recently as December, Lopez and Anthony were taking professional business meetings at Scientology's Celebrity Center in Hollywood.Anthony is said to have taken the "purification" course, a hopped-up sauna that supposedly "cures" all ills. Lopez may have invested in the IRS-sanctioned religion thanks to infertility issues and difficulties in the couple's marriage.
A source says that they were invited to meet Lopez and Anthony at the Celebrity Center where they were ensconced in four-star digs. There, Anthony talked excitedly about the "purification" program while Lopez discussed career matters.
"They're in," a source said. "There's no doubt about it."
While the idea of a "hopped-up sauna" brings to mind images of woodland nymphs slowly trickling water onto one's steamy body while the strains of John Tesh or some other bullshit waft through the air, we're talking Marc Anthony here. The Scientologists must have seen him coming and designed a special program for his purification, beginning with a powerful stomach pump equipped to handle the large number of brains contained in Anthony's innards and ending with a training course on how to walk at a normal speed with you arms securely at your sides.
Test JLo.'s thetan levels at MrSkin.com.
