Jennifer Lopez Is the New Shauna Sand

She converted an entire nation from breast men to ass men. She wore a dress slit to her crotch. She dated Puffy Doodle Dandy, she made it cool to douse oneself in $1000 creams and demand a dressing room full of pure white orchids, and she once pooped on Ben Affleck. She is J. Lo, and eight years ago she wielded power like her giant ass was Excalibur itself. Today, she’s a suburban housewife who lives under the rule of  her corpsey husband Marc Anthony, so it’s nice to hear that she may be emerging back into the spotlight with a J. Lo sex tape. The Enquirer bravely reports:

The tape includes footage of the beauty playing sexy bedroom games with first husband Ojani Noa. In one sizzling scene, J.Lo is looking at herself in a bathroom mirror, wearing only a bra and panties – and showing off her famous butt . . . naughty Jennifer [is] seen on the tape in skimpy underwear being chased around the bedroom by Noa, who playfully spanks her. In another eye-popping shot, a clearly immodest J.Lo laughs as the camera catches her climbing onto a motorcycle wearing a short dress and no panties.

No one knows where the motorcycle went that day. But some say that if you shake J. Lo like a piggy bank, it will come rattling out of her ass along with 4 bicycles, a Sit n’ Spin, and a chestnut broodmare.

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